A Weird Guide To Sexual Selection

Great shot by Erin Elizabeth Kelly

I am the god damn Darwin of Sexual Selection. I have studied the genitals of many human organisms for years from very reliable primary sources, such as Redtube and Pornhub.

I have found from my observations that the cryptic female choice for sexual mates is in fact the gonzo banana dick. Somewhere along the evolutionary timeline, females were choosing banana erections left, right and centre – but mostly left – as prime candidates to procreate with. The evolution of this genital morphology probably came from misdirected cowgirl positions. Imagine being the first awkward woman in evolution to try it. I know women hundreds of thousands of years on who still can’t manage to do it with coordination. With an increase in quantity of bent dicks came a sudden and dramatic release of cum, all of which gave birth to the bent dick trait. To see a perfectly straight erect penis these days is as rare as seeing a perfectly straight banana.

Bananas generally do not contain reproductive seeds and neither do the testes of the 21st century man. Infertility rates are climbing up the banana frond, meaning genetically-modified babies will become the way of the future. I’ll just drop some Soma in my mouth right now and let the prophet Aldous Huxley bask in the glory of his visions of an pneumatic, womb-barren and polygamous world, complete with down-syndrome slaves.

As I go back to the current primal 1984 situation of the world and watch people on the internet suck up each other’s genital juices, I realise the structure and function of the human mouth is perfect for suckling and slurping on each others substances. The sexual selection here is obvious: humans were weaned too early from their mother’s breast milk and are simply compensating by swallowing extra loads of nutritious semen. It is a beautiful thing, depending on what you like.

The potential value I see from all the RedTube gaping anal grooves is that women can now take bigger shits than ever before. The evidence is startling. Just watch 2 girls 1 cup. They can take some seriously big dumps. By the sheer quantity of anal sex going on, I am surprised the female genitals have not evolved into one simple cloaca. One hole, one goal; one ring to rule them all. But what fun would that be? The whole psychological endearment in sodomy is the fact that there is ANOTHER place to go, just right next door. No one likes a one-pub town. Christopher Columbus didn’t find America by staying at home.

I’ve had real life encounters with vaginas and I must say, men have not been too fussy. The floral arrangement of Vaginal Morphology goes from one spectrum to another. Good work men, I do enjoy the variety. The botany-like phenomenon of human copulation replicates that of the honey bee pollinating a flower. Fortunately our dicks don’t fall off after we take our first sting.

I one day hope to take my studies on Sexual Selection across the world. My first visit will be the islands in the Galapagos Archipelago. Hopefully I will find some Boobies. The Boobies will take me to their fish and I will explore every last one of their cloacas. All for scientific purposes. Creationism is bullshit. God save the Queen.

Written by Angus Holliday

Categories: Short & Sharp
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