On Tuesday night Brett Williams took his business class seat on a flight from Brisbane to Sydney, little did he know how close he would come to never snacking on the room-temperature fruit in the Qantas Lounge again.
Brett started the journey with his usual pre-flight tradition, get slightly too drunk on rumbos at the airport bar and making rude comments to the glassies under his breath.
After speedily boarding via the priority boarding lane, Brett sat in the comfort of his Qantas pyjamas that he’d got on a flight to Bali and began to relax.
The flight went smoothly until the plane found itself in a pocket of turbulence just over the outskirts of Armidale.
Not one to overreact, Brett pressed the flight attendant call button 57 times in 3 minutes and 20 seconds, an airline record.
“As soon as shit hit the fan, my animal instincts started to kick in.
“There was an elderly fella next to me who was breathing quite greedily, so I took necessary action and slapped his mouth shut, no friends in the oxygen game after all.”
The slight inconvenience of the turbulence caused the Red Hill resident to grit his teeth and clench the armrests a little too tightly.
“I started to think about all the terrible things I’ve done, like not calling Mum on her birthday and ignoring those people that hand out leaflets outside of Nando’s.”
The life or death situation led to Brett to re-evaluating his own morals.
“I decided right there and then that I was going to stop hitting on female bartenders and not scanning items at the self-checkout.
However, Brett’s moral soul searching wavered as the cabin returned to normal.
“I took it as a sign from God pretty much saying ‘You’re off the hook’ and that’s really all I needed to hear.
“I’m not a bad person by any means, I just really enjoy shouting abuse out of my Uber select and wearing Ralph Lauren.”