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A Gentleman’s Guide To Moving In With Your Better Half

Moving in with your partner can be one of the most fulfilling, important and gratifying things you do in your life. But if you aren’t up to scratch or make the wrong call, it could also mean a fate worse than death. Crushing silences, nights on the couch and the exceptionally awkward move out day. In order to separate the Cheddar from the Camembert, here’s a gentleman’s guide to cohabitation.

Question Time

The first thing you need to do is ask yourself if your partner is a complete psychopath? Have they attempted to light your room on fire after you gave a friend a hug? Do they regularly attempt to control every aspect of your life? Do they give you body parts as presents? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, shut it down. Cohabitation is not for you, my friend. If the above questions don’t raise concern, then it’s time to examine yourself.

Are you remotely mature? You don’t have to be bloody Mahatma Gandhi, but it is a really good time to figure out if you’re up to it. If you are prone to temper tantrums, excessive flatulence, a complete inability to look after yourself and the emotional integrity of windmill rolling down a volcano, then maybe it’s a good idea to stick to your parents basement for a while.

You’re going to be learning some things

Turns out, there are a lot more rules and better ways of doing things than you ever knew. For example, did you know if you put your coat hangers in your closet all the same way, it’s easier to get shit out? No? Neither did I, but I do now. This is just one of the many things you’re going to be learning.

Also cleaning: do it. Do it far more regularly than ever before. It turns out that your idea of clean is their idea of filthy. Or vice versa. The good news is, when it’s your turn to clean the work kitchen, your co-workers are going to be straight up impressed.

There is very much a right way and a wrong way of doing nearly everything. And the truth is, you probably do shit the wrong way. But there is hope, moving in is a fantastic opportunity for you to learn some valuable life skills that will make you a far better adult. Yeah, that’s right. You as an adult! Crazy shit.

Know when to hold em, know when to fold em

This is vital. Knowing when to go on the offensive and make sure you are communicating effectively, and knowing when to let an argument go and accept defeat is vital to your long-term survival. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a man in possession of a happy partner shall be in possession of a happy life.

Augmentative point scoring is going to get very old, very fast, so be prepared to let sleeping dogs lie. Accept your defeats, and do not gloat in your victories.

Can be the best thing you do in your life

Cohabitation, when done right, can be the best decision you make in your life. Coming home every day to a friend who also is happy to sleep with you every night of the week is a spectacular arrangement. The little things like cooking, shopping and Netflix binges become a lot more meaningful and largely it makes your life far better.

Just make sure you’re ready for the inevitable Ikea trip.
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Words by Patrick Cullen.

Categories: Stories
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