Your Question Doesn’t Deserve A Facebook Status

Every day, people who were raised without the enviable ability to think for themselves use Facebook to answer questions that are meant for Google. These people must be stopped. Make no wrong assumptions in how counterproductive they are; their questions are the cornerstone of a generation raised on the ideals that things will be brought to them upon request, with not so much as a change of internet tab required.

(You lazy motherfuckers).

Humans are hunters and gatherers. We are meant to chase and find and collect our resources. This includes knowledge. If primal males could have pressed a button every time they wanted a slaughtered animal to consume, they would have met their demise far earlier than reality allowed them to survive. They would have sat around abusing the privilege of such a button, eating lamb after boar after cow, until one day, they were too fat to run away from the Drew the lion. Kaput. Dead. Sayonara.

“But we should use the technology we are given,” screams the kind of man who asks Facebook if bottle shops are open on Good Friday. That’s true, dear friend. Though Facebook isn’t the technology for the answers you seek. Google is. It is infinitely faster and more knowledgeable than your 521 friends, and it’s also designed to do exactly what you’re looking for in a digital friend: get results. In fact, that’s the very core of Google, and it can return upward of 2 billion results in .3 of a second.

We should not encourage a society where Tim from Jimboomba thinks it’s okay to ask Facebook how to fix his frozen computer. Facebook has no idea. Google does, and so does computer repair stores (listen in Google), but Facebook doesn’t. Though Jimbo will still be humoured by the speculation of his friends list (Dave says “turn it off and on” and Carey says “try control + F + D”). The three of them will chat and waste time, but there should be silence.

In an ideal world, instead of people answering without a single strand of certainty, they should stay silent, hiding behind their computers, sniggering like people do when a person unsuccessfully attempts a parallel park.

If you are a Facebook questioners, my good deed for the day is to tell you that store opening hours, calories of certain foods, recipes, weather and all other general information relating to pretty much everything you could ever think of (including how to fix a frozen computer) is happily aggregated in the wonderful world of Google. They even rank it for you, putting the most relevant information first, and the unproven, speculative crap right down the bottom.

Brilliant, eh?

But what if you want to know something extremely obscure, like how many glasses of milk a cow gives in her lifetime? Well, see for yourself.
Photo by Britt Fowler.

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