BREAKING: People Who Passionately Oppose Halal Almost Always Do It For Misguided Reasons

Depending on who you ask, halal is either a term used to reference food and drink that is permissible to consume under Islamic Shariʻah (law), or it’s an evil manifestation of terrorism that’s seeping into grocery stores throughout Australia, destined to scare the kind of men and women who enjoy spending their Centrelink checks on Monday morning beers in suburban pubs.

There are plenty of fucking terrible people in this world. You can obviously resort to the conventional Hitler reference, or you can be a little more creative when discussing people who suck. For example, people who say “we grew here, you flew here”, parents who have the family stickers on the back of their cars, kids with rat tails, uneducated people who use Facebook to talk about politics and the guy from high school who pops up every now and then and shares a racist article.

But if you want to find a singular person who combines every unsavory trait inside their terrible being, find someone who is passionately opposed to Halal. I’m not talking about a conservative who’s worried about the whole ‘slitting of throat’ thing, or a guy who is dubious about where the money goes to. I’m talking about the throw-your-arms-in-the-air bloke who boycotts anything with a halal symbol on it.

I have found, through my extensive time spent in Australian pubs, that this trait – the boyott all halal trait (BAHT) – is the most defining method in determining overall terribleness. Never before has there been a singular beacon serving as a umbrella warning sign for the worst kind of people. But now it’s here, thanks to good old halal.

Being opposed to Halal is just the tip of a very concerning iceberg. The fact they’re afraid of everything regarding Halal, simply because it’s attached to the law of another religion, shows their reluctance to accept things like change and progression in society. They are the people who tailgate you if you merge in front of them, and try and steal your fridge when you go on holidays, and support people like Jacquie Lambie, who is a pretty good example of a person who would be better off on a reality TV show about unsupervised novice base-jumping than anywhere near parliament.

Most of Halal’s opposition believe it is solely related to the killing of animals, though halal extends far behind that. Halal certified goods come in many forms, and the hate for the symbol is the issue that brings about the most concern. If you are opposed to halal slaughter, which I will not argue with, it doesn’t mean bashing the entire belief system, nor does it mean you have to verbally abuse shopkeepers who stock products that fall beneath the banner.

I challenge you to try this for yourself. Go out into the wilderness and find a Halal hater, then spend ten minutes talking to them. I’ll be dumbfounded if you don’t hate pretty much everything they stand for.

The Housemates: