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TV Advertisements Fucking Suck

Not for the reasons you’re thinking; that they interrupt your Friday night watching ‘The Good Wife’ at that crucial peak moment! How do they always know the most inconvenient times to cut in?! No, they’re the worst because for decades they’ve been pushing these bullshit ideas of life on the consumers, who lap it up year after year despite knowing what they’re being peddled is absolute rubbish. Yeah, maybe the product works, but that doesn’t give you the excuse to create awful ads! Here are the worst offenders.

Hair Removal Ads

I was literally watching an ads for heated wax yesterday, you know the type she waxes her legs then skips through a waterfall of falling rose petals with her perfectly hairless legs. But the thing is, when she cocks her leg on the side of the bath her legs are already hairless! Then she applies the wax, gently removes it and is stunned at the results! Stunned I tells ya! Stunned that her already hair-free legs remain hair-free after she applies this wax. If this shit is working on you please promptly apply hot wax to face.

Animated Scientific Demonstrations

Cleaning, hygeine and hair products are absolute fiends for this one. They create this completely animated demonstration of how the product works, with no scientific backing or relevance whatsoever. It’s got the same about of credibility as Bananas in Pajamas does as a representation of banana farming in Australia. Usually involving heaps of dancing twirling cartoon balls, there’s always a soothing voiceover explaining exactly what’s happening in simple layman terms, because what’s happening in the cartoon is pretty complex. Meanwhile the animated balls are always twiiirrlingg, twirrllinggg….

Testimonials

You’re on an ad. We all know not only are you getting paid to read the words off a teleprompter, you’ve also most likely never even used the product you’re talking about.

Kid’s Confectionary Ads

If you’re a chocolate company marketing that your chocolate has real milk in it, therefore it’s good for kids, you should be neutered. Coco Pops are actually being marketed as being healthy because they have calcium. No you fucks the milk has calcium. Coco Pops is just sugar and some synthetic product you’re calling cocoa that costs a fraction of the price. Kinder Surprise, a chocolate so ridiculously bad for you it was banned in America – AMERICA – is being marketed as having the goodness of chocolate containing dairy. Seriously.

Any ads with kids really

Whenever I see an ad and the ‘parent’ is rolling around in the grass with their ‘child’, glee across both their faces, I remember that episode of Friends where Joey and Ross’ kid are going for the roles of father and son in the same ad. So whenever I see a loving ‘family’ on TV, all I can think is what a sham it is! You don’t care about families, you pitted children against each other to see who was more attractive and talented and discarded the ones who weren’t up to TV standards. Don’t act like you care what chemicals are in fabric softener.

Subway Ads

Need I say more? I picture the Subway creative team as being a bunch of 60 year olds sitting around a circular table with a typewriter and several grams of cocaine screaming ‘I KNOW WHAT THE YOUTHS THINK IS COOL!!!!!’ Their ads consist of cringe worthy ‘cool guy’ dialogue, people laughing so hard while deep throating their sub it’s really a health risk and a filter so saturated it puts the girls on your Instagram to shame. Bringing back Jarred Fogle would be less offensive. JOKING.

Sexism

Cleaning products, kitchen products, washing products, kid’s health – really anything to do with the home, cooking and cleaning is still targeted at the woman. Catch up advertising world, despite the fact that your methods are ridiculous people are still listening to you so you better catch up politically before someone more educated, aggressive and with a more respected public presence catches on! And what’s with only putting females in your tampon commercials? Huh? Sexist pigs.

Toilet Paper Ads

I saw a meme once upon a time with a still of a toilet paper ad and a caption ‘Why is this being marketed? Who is not buying this?’ #holla #truth. Additionally, what is with using fluffy animals in toilet paper commercials? Are you likening the feeling of your toilet paper to wiping my ass with a Golden Labrador puppy? ‘Cause it seems like you’re trying to make me imagine wiping my ass with a Golden Labrador puppy…

Of course most of you are probably unaware of TV advertisements, because who even watches TV anymore? But the evil still lurks, whether you’re aware of it or not.

Words by Sally Coates.

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