The Worst Guide To Hitting On People In A Nightclub

From a technical standpoint, picking people up in a nightclub is like trying to lose your virginity on a family getaway. There’s absolutely no reason why the sweaty insides of a place that makes its money on other people’s mistakes should double as a matchmaking parlor. But, like a liquid John McClane, alcohol bashes its way through every wall of rationale, hushing the voice that tells people a munted punter from the dance floor isn’t someone you should let inside your apartment, let alone inside you.

So with that notion – the one that proves you’ve got a fighting chance despite not deserving one – we’ve compiled a very simple, direct guide to picking up your latest mistake. Female or male,  bad decisions don’t discriminate. You’re all welcome.

Option A: Shout In Their Ear
When you find your victim, you’re going to need to scream in their ear as loud as possible. That way you’ll drown out the miserable sounds of that female DJ who got a gig by taking half naked press shots in a paddock near Ipswich. Don’t worry about the spit your coating their earlobe with. The lubrication of six vodka lime and sodas mean the only thing they’ll be feeling for the rest of the night is the impending doom of waking up next to you when there isn’t enough alcohol in their system to render you attractive.

Option B: Lick Your Lips From Afar
There’s nothing more stunning than looking like a famished vulture staring at the only half-beating heart in sight. If you’re going to play this card, stare until you catch their eye. Keep staring. Lift your eyebrows up and down. Smile. Lick your lips. Make the finger-in-the-hole sign and grunt like the piece of shit you are. Do whatever you can, and hope they’ve had enough alcohol to coat their eyeballs and prevent them from realising you’re a festering maggot.

Option C: Lurk Nearby
The opposite of the across-the-room-lip-licker, the loomer just stands in the general vicinity of the people they’re interested in. You want the girl or guy to think, “wow, it’s been so pleasant having this person just outside my personal space for the majority of the night.” Eventually, pounce, generally via Option D.

Option D: Offer To Buy Them A Drink (Then Persist To The Point Of Pain)
Don’t be fooled by the title of this tactic. You don’t really ‘offer’ to buy drinks for people you want to fuck. You persist. “Let me buy you a drink,” is usually followed by a series of sentences that look something like this.

“No seriously what do you drink?”
“No seriously!”
“Wanna do a shot?”
“Just one drink!”
“Just ooonnnnneeeee drrrrriiiinnnnkkkkk!!!!”

This is a great tactic. On top of proving you’ve got the stamina to continue hunting your prey well after you realise they’d rather slide along a razorblade and into a pool of lemon juice, you’re proving that you’ve got more than six dollars in your bank account. It’s also a prime opportunity to say you know someone, like the promoter or DJ (see option F).

Option E: Offer Them A Pinger
Giving pingers to strangers that you want to bone is a great way to increase the amount of times they falsely proclaim their love for you. It also means they’re less likely to be tipped over the edge by alcohol, vomit in the cab on the way home and then cry so loudly on your driveway that dad wanders out to finish off the injured bird. The only problem with giving strangers pingers (beside the 14,000 ones that responsible people will tell you) is that they might peak in a moment of clarity, realising you look like Golem would if he didn’t sleep for three days.

Option F: Say You Know The DJ / Promoter
If you’re in the select group of elite people who know the DJ or promoter, you can always share this prestigious title with the person you’re pursuing. They’ll be so in awe that you know someone of such high status. Deal sealed.

Option G: Invite Them Into The VIP Area
Nothing says “I’m a reputable member of society,” like inviting someone beyond a red rope in a club that does nine dollar steaks on Wednesdays. Truth be told, the worst part in every club is usually the VIP area. It’s full of people who are identical to the rest of the club, but with an added aura of entitlement (because they paid an extra $7 to stand in lines that were slightly shorter each time they want a XXXX Bitter). Once you get your potential love interest into the VIP area, wink and say “How greats this?” Observe as she lies to you for the first time.

Add tips if you’ve got any.

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