When Donald Trump announced he was running for President, I wasn’t alone in my sniggers. My eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store, aware that the entire process was going to be comedic gold.
First and foremost, he looks ridiculous. Secondly, the dude is a pompous billionaire, reality TV star, and although Americans love a celebrity (Australians can’t talk – we voted in Peter Garret), surely there is no way this deluded, out of touch, bordering on plain ol’ racist rich-guy could get elected to the Oval Office. Right? Well…
His announcement speech was a garbled mix of grandiose boasting – “I’m worth 8.7 Billion dollars!” – and distorted views of history: “When did we ever beat Japan at anything?”. Then there was a declaration that as President, he would build a gigantic wall between the US and Mexico and get the Mexicans to pay for it, which seems about as likely as hell freezing over.
When you start your presidential campaign by taking foreign policy cues from Game of Thrones, you know you’ve got a problem. I only hope big Don can afford to pay Jon Snow to man the wall, for the Mexicans are coming and if Trumpy is to be believed, the white walkers ain’t got shit on the God damn Mexicans.
Still giggling to myself, I stumbled on this little gem and my heart froze in my chest. A 2012 study by United Republic found that 91% of the time, the candidate with the most money wins the election. 91% is higher than Warnies’ swipe to shag ratio on Tinder, and if that doesn’t put fear in your bones, nothing will.
In the same speech, Big Don announced that he was going to completely self-fund his campaign and thereby remove the outside influences that have, in his view, corrupted previous presidential candidates.
So, he has an obscene amount of money- enough to feed 9.2 million malnourished children for 50 days or buy Instagram six times over. He’s exceptionally media savvy, having had his own TV show since 2004 as well as being a prominent public figure since the late eighties. Finally, and probably most significantly, he has the kind of crazy-assed super right wing policy format that the most insane part of America tends to froth over.
If there is anything that public transport has taught us, the craziest people are usually the loudest, and in America, being the loudest and the richest counts for a lot. Now, the Donald doesn’t have the top job just yet; he has to get elected as the Republican candidate first. Elections within elections- it’s pretty much election-ception over there.
But if he does, there is a real and palpable chance that Donald Trump could be Americas next President. Which, when you write it out, reads like Koshi for Governor-General or Kim K for Pope. The words do form sentences but they don’t make any sense.
Meanwhile, the Democrats best candidate (Hillary Clinton) is also making incomprehensible speeches, largely full of Beatles quotes. Which is great. I think I’m going to start a couple of hashtags: #pullittogeherHillary #saveusfromtheDon.
Winter is coming my friends, and it’s full of wigs and hair-dye.
Words by Patrick Cullen. Photo via MediaITE.