The Easiest Way To Get A Job

Being employed is good because you can buy $12 tequila shots and a $250 jacket that’s only a few drunken kebabs away from not fitting you. Unfortunately, getting a job isn’t easy. There aren’t all that many to begin with, and the people you hated in high school are snapping up the only worthwhile ones.

With that in mind, we’ve decided to compile a comprehensive guide on the very best ways to find gainful employment. To help us in the quest (and add legitimacy to this piece), we talked to people who actually employ other people, and asked them what they do and don’t like.

Cut off your top knot.
Most employers are old people. No matter how cool you think a top knot is, they don’t understand zip tying a hair testicle to your scalp. Cutting it off is a great start when trying to find employment. Though this tip isn’t specific to the man bun. Anything that’s upsetting to an old person should be removed or hidden during the job hunt. If you’ve got face tattoos and want to work in a place that isn’t a tattoo parlor, buy some sandpaper from Bunnings.

Stop being a bad human on social media.
It’s super cool that you drunk so much Sambuca on the weekend you lost all motor skills and dropped a tarmac coloured shit in your pants, but keep it off Facebook. Employers are tech-savvy these days, meaning they’ll scope your social media, run you through Google and make sure you’re not just faking your way through the interview process.

Quit it with the mail drops.
There are easier ways to waste a day than wandering into establishments and asking some low level employee if the company is hiring. There’s no point handing your shitty, crinkled up resume over a suburban counter. If, by some miracle, it doesn’t end up in the bin, the employee will “remember to give it to the boss”, minus the remembering part. Eventually someone will say “what’s this?” to which everyone will echo, “no idea, throw it out.” And out it goes, along with your hopes and dreams.

Sign up to Zippity
I’d sooner gouge my eyes out than spend another day on Seek. Job platforms like Zippity are changing the job market and making the application process congruent with how Gen Y kids want to apply for jobs. Rather than slogging out a decretive resume (read: strategically centering and bolding various elements on Microsoft Word), you follow the Zippity template, then digitally drop it into a bunch of places you want to work, even if they aren’t hiring right this very second. If Seek is the missionary position of employment portals, Zippity is the passion pretzel.

Know what they want.
Because Gen Y are so relentlessly lazy, we often walk into job interviews with no idea what the prospective employer wants. Who gives a shit, right? Well, they do, and if you don’t change your attitude, you’ll be even more familiar with that couch of yours by year’s end. Knowing at least a little bit about the company and the job they need filled means you don’t become the butt of the jokes they make in the lunchroom the following day.

Take off the suit.
Dressing appropriately should be a no brainer, but people seem to think ‘dress appropriately’ means ‘wear a suit’. I’m here to tell you that’s not the case. If you’re going for a factory role in a company that sells two-ply toilet paper, wearing a suit that’s worth more than a month of your time isn’t cool, nor are boardies and pluggers. Just dress God damn appropriately. A simple rule is to go with one level above their employees. If they wear t-shirts to work, you wear a collared shirt to your interview. Simple.

Yes, you’ve got to be eager to get a job, and good jobs go to those who go after them. But if there’s one thing that really gets on an employer’s nerve, it’s hounding them like they owe you money. If an employer spends half his or her lunch break evading your phone, guess who’s going to the bottom of the pile when it’s time to sift through candidates? Your clingy self. On top of this, if you’re hounding an employer like Doughnut Time (who use Zippity to hire), you’re as lost as a senior year goth.
Content written by Hugo Andrej. Produced in conjunction with Zippity.

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