Rigged For Her Pleasure

Ever wonder why female sex toys have always been designed in the shape of the male phallus when the vast majority of women can’t come from sex?

That’s right: there’s a difference between vaginal and clitoral orgasm. As in, one is penetrative, sexual intercourse, and the other is stimulation of that bundle of nerve endings we call the clitoris.

70% of women can only achieve climax from the latter (maybe more, depending on which source you’re listening to). That means less than a third of women in the world can come from sex alone, and probably 90% of the female characters on mainstream movies and TV shows have been lying to us (Samantha Jones of SATC, I’m looking at you).

While most women will tell you that sex can still be great even if you don’t orgasm, I’m not sure so many men would agree. If you want the enjoyment to be equal, this is where the job can get a bit more hands-on. Or, it’s an opportunity for otherwise solo-operated sex toys to get introduced into the bedroom.

But why is almost every dildo and vibrator on the market shaped like a dick?

Well, probably because female sex toys were originally designed by men – and, at that, men whose utmost priority probably wasn’t the woman’s enjoyment. The vibrator was actually invented by a male doctor in the 1800s – originally called “The Manipulator” – as a way to treat women’s hysteria more efficiently.

What’s hysteria, you ask? “Female hysteria” was a very common “medical” condition which has now been completely debunked, reserved for women who presented symptoms of insanity, which was at the time thought to be a woman-only kind of thing. It’s why we call “crazy” women “hysterical”, and also the source of the abominable “crazy ex-girlfriend” narratorial phenomena.

Fun fact: the word “hysteria” actually comes from the ancient Greek word for “womb”. Ancient Greek men once believed that women’s craziness, or “emotional instability”, was caused by the uterus breaking free and wandering about the body, leaving mess in its wake.

Symptoms of hysteria ranged from faintness, nervousness, sexual desire, lack of sexual desire, insomnia, irritability, loss of or increase in appetite, and pretty much anything the physician wanted, really.

A common treatment for hysteria was throwing the woman into an insane asylum. But more often than not, the doctors recommended a “pelvic massage” – as in, they would digitally stimulate the hysterical female patient to orgasm. Old mate vibrator-inventor simply got tired fingers, so he came up with a machine to do the job for him.

So yeah, the electric tool for female orgasm now known as the vibrator was ironically born out of rampant misogyny. Enough of that, though, because just the thought of that whole history gets me and my wandering uterus so mad I’m forgetting the task at hand. So, getting back to my initial question, surely we agree it’s strange that despite the fact most women can’t come from sexual intercourse (i.e. the penis alone), the majority of female masturbation aids are designed in the shape of a penis.

All those enormous weapons of veins and oversize knobs out there are just not doing it for me. Or many other females, for that matter. Being the good samaritan I am, however, I have bravely researched and experimented with options, and I’m here to tell you that thankfully, there are some. Just take a look at the picture below:

I suppose you’re wondering what this cute little scarab-beetle thing is. Well, vulva, I’d like to introduce you to a friend of mine – Eva.

Eva is a female-friendly, couples-centric sex toy designed by a company called Dame. It’s a hands-free vibrator that can be worn by the woman while having sex, meaning she can experience both vaginal and clitoral stimulation during intercourse. And, before you ask, no, I’m not being endorsed by Dame products – although, if anyone’s offering, I wouldn’t say no.

I read about this incredible product online one day, and loved the idea so much I actually bought one (and for anyone who hasn’t discovered this yet, good vibrators are pretty damn expensive – factor in the U.S. shipping costs and I practically could have bought myself a new iPhone). This thing had a waiting list, for fuck’s sake. But wait I did, and three months later I received my adorable little gift-to-self in the mail.

The packaging was sleek and Apple-like in quality, and the product itself was so inoffensive and ambiguously alien-like in appearance you could probably leave the thing on your kitchen bench and nobody would have a damn clue what it was. So if you’re one of the people who gets weird about female masturbation (here’s a thought, maybe, don’t be? It’s perfectly normal, and fun!) you don’t have to worry about any embarrassing “bedside drawer” investigations or accidental discoveries. But, more importantly, it actually worked – well, sort of.

See, Eva is designed so that the body of the product fits directly over your clitoris, and the little “wings” on the sides kind of slot into your labia, so that you can wear it during sex. It vibrates just fine, thank you very much, however on me it tended to fall off if I moved too much. And, you know, most people move around a fair bit when they’re having sex.

I’ve read a lot of online testimony from women and couples saying that it worked exactly as intended, although some do say you need to get into certain positions for Eva to keep its position, so to speak. So, chances are it’s just me (stupid vagina, why do you hate me?). Judging by the feedback I’ve seen, it will work for most people, so why not give it a try?

Why am I pushing this so hard (lol)? Well, because I think it’s important. Seriously. We have got to get away from this oppressively patriarchal idea that sex is, and should only be, for men’s enjoyment. It’s twenty-fucking-sixteen and women are still being slut-shamed, still being made to feel like it’s not ok to have or enjoy sex the way men do. An act that is equal in nature shouldn’t be controlled or manipulated so unequally, and sex toys, I believe, are one way to fix this.

There is, of course, another solution for those women out there (and we know there are many) who can’t come from sex. Get more head, obviously (brb, getting that engraved on my tombstone). Sadly, though, the amount of men who actively enjoy and reciprocate going down on their sexual partners seems to be vastly disproportionate to those who do not. A note to all the dudes out there – treat yo girl right. Please.

On top of that (lol again – make me give up my immature jokes: make me), imagine being able to ride dick like a champion and come at the same time as your man – just like in the movies. Products like Eva could make that happen for you.

So, in the words of Shakespeare, go forth and fornicate. Or masturbate, whatever.
Written by a girl who seriously recommends Apple look at somehow incorporating a vibrator design into the next generation of watches or wearables, whatever. iClit? You heard it here first.

The Housemates: