A 500ml can of Mother is the liquid equivalent of Kid Rock and a reminder that if you let people make bad decisions, they probably will – even if they have to pay for it. Giant energy drinks are terrible, and they’re almost always consumed by people the kind of people who call you a faggot for having milk in your coffee or think that racing you off the traffic lights is a way of comparing penis sizes.
The first time I saw 500ml Mother Cans on the shelf, I thought it was some sort of small batch promotional method. I assumed stuffing a bunch of things that kept you awake into a half-litre can was appealing to one group of people and one group of people only: the kind who go to burger shops and pay $75.00 to eat a burger twice the size of their own head so they can have their name on a chalkboard.
Turns out I was wrong – it wasn’t a one off novelty, but rather an ongoing, drinkable cardiac arrest that actually kills people. 500ml cans of Mother are legitimately popular, battling it out with their Red Bull, V and Monster Energy 500ml brethren. But I’m focusing on Mother, the staple drink of guys with bumbags and people who ask you for a cigarette outside of train stations. It is the bogan elixir.
The 500ml Mother can contains a shitload of caffeine, so it’s obviously useful for people with glandular fever or anyone who hasn’t slept for six days and needs to continue on their streak. But outside of those very specific scenarios, I struggled to find a real use for such a huge hit of pick-me-up. At least until I found the ingredients list of most energy drinks, which is pretty terrifying. It’s clear 500ml Mother cans are the government’s way of culling people involved in petty crime.
Outside of my government conspiracy, 500ml Mother cans serve one definitive purpose. They are a beacon in society for people you should avoid, giant red and black bogan detectors. From here on our, navigate society with this wisdom at the front of your mind.
NOTE: Mother is also pretty popular amongst tradies, but I have no beef with them. My version of manual labor is taking the rubbish out, so whatever they need to get by is fine by me. The
Primary photo by Nathanael Coyne.
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