The Most Devastating Things About Graduating Uni

Graduating uni and entering the workforce is kinda how I imagine prison rape. You know it’s gunna happen, it hurts like a bitch and it’s just easier to go with the flow. Once you get used to graduating, it’s alright, cause #goals and #dolladollabills, but there’ll always be a part of you that’s gone forever. Here’s some of the worst bits.

1. You can’t choose your schedule.
How good was it to mould your timetable to fit your jam-packed schedule? Nothing on Mondays obviously and write off Friday mornings so you could get absolutely whammed on student night. It kinda felt like being God. Now the man decides your schedule.

2. You can’t skip classes whenever you want.
Even if you didn’t feel like going to a class – y’know ‘cause of the jam-packed schedule – you just skipped it and watched it online later, or just skipped that week altogether and regretted it come exam time. If you skip work you’re pretty much treated as scum of the Earth and everyone notices and just assumes you called in sick due to a hangover. Which is usually true, but they don’t know that.

3. You have stuff to do EVERY DAY.
Seriously, regardless of how busy you might be at work, you still have stuff to do. There’s no just sitting back and watching cat video compilations shamelessly and carelessly, and now if you do it you have to be on the lookout constantly in case you get caught so you don’t even get to enjoy ’12 Cats who forgot how to Cat’. You have to do paperwork and send emails. Torture.

4. You don’t meet people as easily.
When you first leave and you start working within a small workspace you realise how the girls from Sex and the City feel. How do you meet people if not sitting directly beside them in some random class or drunkenly hooking up with them at the Uni Bar??

5. You always have stuff on your ‘To-do’ list.
You can’t just stroll into the bank on a Saturday. They ain’t fucking open. And by the time your weekend comes there’s nothing you want to do LESS than sort out your super or car insurance or get that rash checked. So that list piles up until you feel so unorganised you just forget about it all and take a nap.

6. You can’t leave shit to the last minute.
If you had an assignment at uni it was pretty easy to leave it to the last day and do the entire assignment. It wasn’t of high quality but it was something to submit. When you’re working, shit is serious and ongoing. They expect stuff every single day; it’s so rude.

7. You have to think of your future.
Is this job getting me where I want to be? What’s my five-year plan? When should I buy a house? Should I be paying these credit cards off or just get another one? At uni, it was enough to just be at uni. You were considered young and ambitious and ‘student’ was in a whole, totally acceptable category of its’ own. NOW, you have to think long-term in this brutal, constantly evolving world otherwise you’re nothing. NOTHING.

8. It’s so much harder to go to work hungover.
Like, it’s doable sure. But you didn’t even bother going to uni if you were hungover and if you had a job it was putting clothes on hangers at a surf shop or making coffees at a café for a few hours. Now, death would be preferable. I know people who are dentists. Can you even imagine dentisting hungover? You could ruin someone’s life! And don’t even think of calling in sick, we’ve already covered that clusterfuck. Now it means you can’t drink on school nights and that’s just shitty.

9. You barely see your friends.
You never even had to organise to see your friends during uni. You’d often accidentally run into them, like, you couldn’t get rid of the fuckers if you tried. But now you can’t drink on school nights and you’ve got responsibilities piling higher than shoeboxes in an episode of ‘Hoarders’. It becomes an actual task to see them. Which is also just shitty.

10. Realising you have 50 more years of this.
As mentioned, while you were at uni life was just a constant countdown. You knew you were in the clear for 3-6 years, depending on your degree. But once that countdown is over, there’s a much less comprehendible countdown to begin – the countdown to retirement/death. Makes finding a job you love/marrying a near-death billionaire extremely essential.

11. There’s no 2-3 month bi-annual holidays.
It was like uni knew we were all absolute drop-kicks and it’s pretty cruel. You get used to these massive chunks of time off to tan or maybe go on a little holiday or see you friends and family and then nek minnut you’re in a job where you get 20 days a year and they have to be approved. By some fuck who’s never at work anyway.

12. Having to look presentable 5/7 days of the week.
At uni you could rock up in your PJs and still fit in. Your shirts had holes in them, your pants had holes in them, your shoes had holes in them and you hadn’t done washing for like, six months. Now, it’s an unwritten rule that you’ve got to look presentable and if you don’t, you get weird looks and mystery cans of Rexona keep appearing on your desk. Let me live!

13. Having to buy an iron and ironing board.
Refer to point 12

14. You have to respect authority.
If you give your boss attitude you get fired. If you gave your tutors or lecturers attitude they literally could not find a fuck to give.

15. Uni parties aren’t as fun.
I tried this when I was graduated and my friends were still at uni. It’s just not the same. You look around thinking ‘Who are these little kids? Is security not checking ID?’ No longer can you just bounce from crowd to crowd or lose your friends and always find someone you knew ‘cause you are nobody and you know nothing Jon Snow.

16. No marks for attendance.
I did a humanities degree so it wasn’t uncommon for 30% of my final mark to simply be for attending. I suspect it was for those creative types who skip class due to hangovers or the others who have a tendency to green out on the reg. Yes we SHOULD be rewarded for rocking up. I want a god damn high five and a tenner when I walk into my workplace. Is that too much to ask?!

17. You lose your sense of self.
Slowly, but surely, you lose sight of yourself. You buy fancy spirits instead of goon. You go for cocktails instead spending 40 minutes squished at the bar for your free drinks. You no longer scout for $5 brekkie specials and don’t even flinch when your breakfast does come to $22. And you’ve started actually enjoying coffee, not just drinking it to sober you up or get you through the day.

Who even are you, you disgust me.

All we can say, is if you’re still at uni and considering graduating:

Words by Sally Coates. Illustrations courtesy of Jo Barrow (Buzzfeed). Feature image via VICE.


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