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An Idiot’s Guide To Nailing The First Date

Remember the first time your mum walked in on you bashing one out into a sock? First dates are kind of like that, only your mum is a stranger, and she doesn’t cover her eyes and flee – she just sits there staring at you, making awkward small talk for two whole hours. Though first dates are a necessary evil, like shitty sex, One Direction and dumb girls putting black glasses on and saying they’re ‘nerdy’. Here are a few quick tips for males (they need more help) from the YFH staff on how to make your first date the least painful it can be.

Know Your Date’s Interests
If you have a good understanding of the fair maiden you’ll be courting, the rest of this list will come naturally. If your understanding of her could be obtained via the ‘ASL’ acronym, strike up a text conversation and learn a little more about your prospective partner. Unless she’s a Mormon who collects cats on the weekends, things like favourite weekend activities give easy small talk opportunities when the date finally rolls around. Note: there are no bonus points for sexting during the investigative stage. And remember, if she’s sexting you, she’s probably sexting all the other dudes she’s never been on a date with.

Know Your Date’s Looks
If you organised the date at 3am on a Sunday morning, get your Facebook creep on and make sure your memories match reality. Bashing out a flaming rendition of Flashdance before punching a girls number into your phone with one eye open isn’t always the best way to meet someone you might have to see sober one day.

Dress Appropriately
Don’t overdress. That suit might make you feel like Harvey Specter, but wearing it to a restaurant that has ‘all you can eat’ nights on Wednesdays makes you look like you’ve been without sex long enough to gather cobwebs on your dick. Don’t under-dress either. If you under-dress she’ll assume you smell, don’t have any money and live with your mother. As a rule of thumb, for basic dinners and drinks, a nice button up T-shirt with the sleeves rolled, a good pair of jeans and modest dress shoes (never go white leather) will do the trick. If you’ve decided to go to the beach and have a body you want to show off, board shorts and a singlet. If you’re going to the beach and have a body you don’t want to show off, don’t show up. I don’t care how comfy you feel in that rash vest.

Drink Beforehand
This is a rule for just about everything in life. Have you ever tried doing things sober? Ugh. Make sure you choose beer. It won’t creep up on you and the steady rate of inebriation means you won’t crash and burn midway through the date. If you’re using it to calm nerves, the tendency is to over-drink, so keep a check on how many you’ve put away and make sure you’re not putting the beer goggles on.

Pick A Great Location
Think of the setting or location as you would a fullback: even if everything else goes to shit, the fullback has a chance to clean things up. If she turns out to be a passive aggressive mute, you’re only left with your surroundings.

Don’t order chicken wings.
I learned this the hard way. Same goes for ribs. In fact, any meal thats served with one of those little bowls that you’re meant to dip your fingers in probably isn’t a good choice.

Turn Off Your Phone
This is a stupid rule but people I know who are more responsible than me always do it.

Have An Escape Route
One of the first things you say to your date should involve a sibling or relative who’s not been well for the past two days. Our accountant swears by this rule, and it’s relatively simple. All you have to do is bring the issue up, then if the date goes south, duck to the bathroom and take your phone off silent. Send a text to a friend and head back to the table. When it goes off, act concerned, offer to pay the bill and get out of there.
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Photo via Viewmixed.

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