Remember Blake Garvey? The guy who said ‘fantasssstic’ thousands of times and looked like he was using 90% of his brainpower trying to ‘act natural’. He was cool, if cool means robotic and terrifying. Okay, so he wasn’t cool, but he was muscular, and he was perfectly capable of leading stupid girls around on dates the producers had orchestrated, all while they gushed and said things like “OMG I CANT BELIEVE U DID THIS ALL FOR ME!”
Breaking: No he fucking didn’t.
But now Blake is old news. He might even be dead, swallowed whole by one of his extremely drawn out, monotone adjectives. In his place stands Tasmanian Sam Wood, who “runs his own Melbourne-based children’s health and fitness company”. For context, Wood studied a Bachelor of Applied Science, which puts him in the unique pool of moderately muscly people who hated maths and liked gym selfies when they were deciding what to study at university.
Sam then founded Gecko Sports, a company that teaches kids sport in school. Good initiative. Anything to tighten the floodgates on all these fat kids Australian parent’s are currently manufacturing.
But what’s Sam hiding? Channel 10 told us Blake was perfect. In reality, he was a fairly unintelligent ex-stripper who gained twisted self-satisfaction from hearing girls say they were into him, even if he didn’t give a single hoot about them (he didn’t). He was also obsessed with stuffed toys, which is the creepiest innate object a grown man could possibly be obsessed with.
Is Sam the same breed of creep-in-hiding? LETS SPECULATE.
Hypothetical Sam Scenario #1: He’s Just Another Blake.
Sam is identical to Blake. The two are actually best friends – they go to the gym together and nod approvingly at one another when a girl with a ‘tight ass’ walks past. When Blake left the Bachelor, he told Sam (don’t get confused with the chick he viciously dumped – we’re talking about the new Bachelor here) how easy it was to make girls fall in love with you when producers are spending thousands and thousands of dollars on the carefully orchestrated dates YOU get to take the credit for. Sam was all like, “Fuck yeah, got nothing better to do – I’ve just realised I hate children.”
Hypothetical Sam Scenario #2: He’s Just Promoting His Business.
Sam is just on the show to garner publicity for Gecko Sports. He’s sitting on a goldmine – what with all the little tubs of fat currently running around primary schools – and he knows it. If drinking champagne and driving around in rented cars and sailing on rented yachts means he can plug Gecko Sports to wider Australia, he’s willing to do it. He’s willing to take the proverbial bullet fired his way by a hoard of attention seeking females who considered reality TV dating as best practice.
Hypothetical Sam Scenario #3: He’s Actually A Catch.
Sam is a straight up guy with no skeletons in his closet. He likes long walks on the beach and talking about his feelings and fitness (mainly fitness) and is genuinly interested in settling down with one of the girls he goes on artificially forced dates with.
Speculation aside, the next season of The Bachlor will probably be hate watched by many, and if Sam provides even half the amount of laughs as his predecessor, it won’t be a COMPLETE waste of time. Read this.