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How To Grin Fuck Someone

I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to punch someone in the face. From work, the dentist, while driving, at the supermarket, to the cinemas, walking through pedestrian traffic, and on the internet.

I figured out that grin fucking someone was ultimately more satisfying than fuelling my inner anger by constantly over thinking it, saying or doing something inappropriate, or being a dick. There are, in fact, so many ways to say “fuck you” while being the sweetest of sweet cheeks around. Resting bitch face can only come in handy so much, ja feel? Sometimes you’ve got to let it out.

Just in the nicest way possible.

By grin fucking someone…

In an email

You’ve received an email from a coworker, supplier, customer, and/or boss, who have returned said email with distaste and bluntness. Shoot back a snappy response that could be construed a million different ways because of the terrors of email communication? No, my friend. Litter the email with niceties, from questions about their weekend to extra thank yous (aka fuck yous). Kick ‘em in the guts with sunshine and rainbows.

Over the phone

Someone caught you on the line? Did they narrow you down, reel you in with lies, elude to interest in your abilities for a job and then turn around and ask you to give them advice on the very thing you do for a living? Then grin fucking them is the perfect thing to do. When you suddenly realise they’re trying to fuck you, you give them tit bits of info. (Yes, I just said “tit bits”.)

Little things to go off, so it seems as though you are completely ignorant. You give them enough information (extra sweetly, mind you, don’t forget to be professional/nice/sincere, depending on the situation) for them to go ahead and believe that they got you. Then you calmly end the conversation with a, “Well, it was lovely speaking with you [fucker]”. Then you hang up and cry in the shower or punch a wall.

Face to face

Literally grin. Perfect situation to use the full frontal grin fuck. They talking shit? They being annoying? Any one trying to screw you around? Grin. Speak-grin. They’ll be too concerned with you grinning to pay attention to what they were saying in the first place, get confused and then you land the drop on them. Boom.

In a text

Emojis. Use them. Lots of them. Nothing like a cute *wink face* *cry-laugh* *kiss face* combo. Emoji signals you’re all g. Make them believe it.

In a Facebook comment

So, you’re scrolling through the comments on your favourite celeb’s latest photo, you’re reading hilarious responses to an un-politically correct meme, or finding a text post from an actual Facebook friend extra entertaining, and you find yourself wanting to comment and respond to someone who’s being an absolute douche. Think carefully, and consider the very best way to fuck them up. Be extra considerate. Be nice. Thoughtful, even. Consider their comment with care, and lead in with your comment as though you’re on their side. Then lay a big fact “fuck you” with stats, facts, and evidence that proves their idiocy. Then await the impending comment-war.

But hey, you owned them.

On the bus

Fuck them all, I hate the bus.
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Words by Jacquiline Fraser. Photo by M. Corkill.

Tags: Grin Fuck
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