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How To Deal With Your Bruss Boyfriend

Yeah, I’m dating a bruss. One of those guys who says things like ‘macros’ and does ‘meal prep’ and probably jabs a needle into his ass cheek when I’m not around so he can get ‘extra jacked’. My bruss is pretty hard on the outside, relatively soft on the inside, but pretty thick wherever you go. Over time, I’ve definitely learned how to deal with the brussy side of my significant other, and while he’s still like a small child in public places, I’ve definitely groomed him in the slightest of ways. Or at least it feels like I have. Here’s a few handy hints:

Disguise Date Night as ‘Carb Loading’

He’d way rather pump iron than take a plebiscite like his girlfriend out for a lovely Italian dinner, though if you preface the entire thing by saying it’s carb-loading, he’s in. Better yet, he’s fully committed. Entrée, entrée, main and, sometimes, main number two. While he’s polishing off his second spag bol (“what the fuck is ragu!?”), you can sneak in a dessert and you’ve done rather well for yourself.

Take horrible photos.

He’s going to ask you to take photos of him tensing / pretending not to tense. Ensure that for the first five or six attempts, you produce an out of focus final product. He’ll get fed up, and go back to what every bruss does – mirror selfies. While he’s doing that, you can sit on Facebook and talk to that guy from uni who has a sliver of emotional intelligence.

Learn lats.

Well, not just lats, but all the muscles he spends 8 hours a day trying to grow. If you comment on his Latissimi dorsi (x10 points for using the proper term) he’ll treat you like a princess until he cycles into a savage bout of roid rage and punches your fridge so hard he shows a slight bit of emotion: pain. In general though, nothing will get you further than noticing his gains.

Accept the gym.

He’s going to go to the gym constantly. That, in itself, defines him as the bruss that he is. You need to accept this, and you need to realise that any attempt to change that will result in a quick severance of the relationship. Instead, find productive, fun ways to spend your isolated existence, like cheating on him. Just kidding; don’t cheat on a bruss. Never cheat on anyone. But definitely not a bruss.

Don’t accept his mates.

You’re in a relationship with bruss A. That doesn’t mean you owe anything to the people he meets at the gym. Bruss B, C and D wouldn’t normally be bruss A’s friends, but bruss culture allows a unification despite differing stances on just about everything. So, accept that one bruss is more than enough for you to handle, and know that if bruss B, C and D are shitty humans, their girlfriends are definitely worse.

Accept your reality

For whatever reason, you’ve fallen for a bruss. You need to understand it was your choice, you maintain the stance, and with your decision comes consequences.