X

Hockey’s Hacks: Money Tips From The Treasurer

Now listen up kids: when the guy with the top treasurer job in the country gives out free advice, you listen. Don’t worry about him going into complex topics you don’t understand like assets or depreciation or equity. Hockey knows the best financial advice is simple. We’ve laid out his quick hacks here, so you can get onto living the kind of lifestyle you’ve seen on Instagram.

Hack #1 – Get a good job that pays good money
Now I know what you’ve all been doing. Heading out to job interviews for the lowest paid jobs you can find – offering to work for cheaper to help out, searching seek.com.au for ‘badly paid jobs in my area’. All wrong! If you want a house you need a job that pays you ‘good’ money. That doesn’t mean money that only does good things, it means lots of money. Lots and lots. Given that he’s paid over 350k a year, Hockey certainly takes his own advice and he’s got the house to prove it. Houses, in fact. This means none of you should go into nursing or education or any of those jobs unlikely to give you six figures straight up. Leave those jobs for the people who don’t want homes.

Hack #2 – You’re poor, don’t drive
Joe Hockey knows that poor people don’t have cars, and certainly don’t drive. He knows because he drives. He doesn’t even pay a driver all the time. That’s called being thrifty. Don’t worry about getting a car so you can get to work or to the bank, it’s better if you walk – you’ll save money on a gym membership and Hockey won’t have to sit around in traffic.

Hack #3 – Don’t waste your money on cigarettes and middies, you’ll need it for going to the doctor.
Cigarettes are for povos. Smoke for the job you want, not for the job you’ve got. Joe smokes cigars and they cost far more than a visit to the doctor. That’s finance. Middys? No true blue Australians needs Hockey to tell them not to waste our money on mid-strengths. The reasons is in their name: ‘mid-strength’. What other product markets itself on being the less good version of what you’re really after? Real money smarts is buying full strength or spirits – they’re concentrated, and if you get vodka no one can tell you’re drinking it at the doctor’s.

Hack #4 – Understand financial basics.
Hockey took us through finance 101 the other day, reminding us that, “if housing were unaffordable in Sydney nobody would be buying”. Right, just like Louis Vuitton bags are affordable because people are buying them. And superyachts. And One Direction concert tickets. Forget about supply and demand, if other people can afford things – you can too! Which means those cigars you wanted are all yours.

Hack #5 – Be one of Hockey’s kids
If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Hockey has told the press there’s “no way on God’s earth I’ll leave (my kids) with a debt”. That’s an easy promise for old mate to keep, considering he’s got millions in assets and a solid job. What a trooper. How do we get adopted?
____
Words by Naomi Russo.

The Housemates: