Drinking Activated Charcoal Is The Newest Health Fad

As a general rule of thumb, people aren’t very smart. This works well for companies who sell things, because convincing the public they ‘need’ products is like dangling a lollypop in front of a kid and waiting for him to reach out and grab it. Dumb people are the reason companies sell products on TV at 2am in the morning for a “one time only” offer (that just so happens to run for an entire year).

Entire industries are founded on the public’s inability to make rational decisions. The health food industry – while amazing and full of potential – is flooded with products that have unjustified adjectives like ‘super’ and ‘power’, all because selling the dream to a slightly overweight suburban mum is far more simple when the product sounds like it’s amazing enough to fix her loveless marriage.

Cold-pressed juice is the latest culprit. People get off on drinkable nutrients, because they’re easy and you can have them “on the go” (an irreplaceable slogan used in every advertisement targeting people who like talking about how busy they are). The funny thing about cold-press juice is nothing: it tastes like normal juice and it’s really fucking expensive.

But putting a bucket of kale into a 500ml bottle is yesterdays news now, because health food freaks are all about activated-charcoal – the shit usually reserved for dogs when they eat something they’re not supposed to. For $9.95, Juice Generation will give you a plastic bottle full of juice with two teaspoons of ‘activated charcoal’ in it, which, judging by the price, will make you shit out miniature French Bulldogs or whatever else is really trendy on Instagram at the moment.

Poisoning victims are still given charcoal (albeit rarely) for entirely different reasons. Speaking with TIME, Cleveland gastroenterologist Dr. Maged Rizk says, “It’s this really nasty looking drink. You have them swallow it, and you hope they vomit.”

And now it’s trendy, destined to become another fixture for stupid people who want to look like plastic sculptures. The new fad is all thanks to companies like Project Juice, Juice Generation, and LuliTonix, who are already producing charcoal-supplemented drinks. Purvoyer of all things irrelevent Gwenyth Paltrow has already given the charcoal infected juice a big thumbs up, and she probably recommends drinking it while steaming your own vagina.

In the same vein as juice detoxes, the true benefits of kale and other things that people like wasting their money on, the positive implications of drinking charcoal will likely be debunked by a scientist within the next few months. Though the stupid people will get there first. They always do.
Photo via Crunchy Betty.

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