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Artisan: The Authentic Way To Get Idiots To Pay More

Photo by Cyanpic.

By definition, Artisan means “made in a traditional or non-mechanized way using high-quality ingredients.” It’s kind of like an ‘authentic’ buzzword that resonates with people who recycle their sandals and have more incense in their home than bars of soap. But as more and more companies use it, and more and more products are available in ‘artisanal’ offerings, it’s shifted from a quality guarantee into a laughably transparent ploy.

The hipster mecca of Portland are at the forefront of transforming anything they get their hands on into artisanal super-products. During the ‘cocktail renaissance’ – arguably another term made up for no reason other than to satisfy the needs of those who are so far up their own ass they need a periscope to see out of their eye sockets – it was decided that artisanal ice was a necessity. Extra clear and dense, the ice is made using a ridiculously tedious process that’s both a logistical nightmare and a financial clusterfuck. BUT – and that term is heavily used by these idiots – it was all worth it, because nothing is cooler than small-batch ice that any old pleb refuses to buy (waste his or her money on).

The fact of the matter is, manufactured is almost always better. The time honored tradition of pumping out 1000’s upon 1000’s of units is an incredibly good way of getting good at something, and a bloke with a beard stirring doughnut batter at six in the morning isn’t at a vantage point, even if it does earn him the right to slap the ‘A’ word on something.

Alas, artisan is trendy, and no matter how much extra you have to pay for a cub of ice, piece of toast or slice of pizza, some idiot is going to assume the price hike is a signifier of quality. On that note, this article was made in a traditional or non-mechanized way using high-quality ingredients, therefore it is artisanal, therefore pay me.

Here’s some video content to support this:

The Housemates: