A Master’s Guide To Procrastination

Okay, you got me. I’m a lazy shit. I’m the queen of putting things off, of endlessly and mindlessly Instagramming, of saying, ‘yes, I’ll absolutely plan ahead to get that deadline met’ (and not meeting it), of pretending that I’m on top of it all. I’ll admit, I even submitted this article late.

Despite the inevitable stress that follows procrastination, we all do it. You can’t tell me that you haven’t once put something off simply because you didn’t want to do it. I do this far too often. I’m almost certain I’ve become a procrastination master. I’m renowned for coming home from high school most days and watching movies while eating Tim Tams and somehow managing to complete all (ahem, most) homework tasks and meeting assignment deadlines.

I was the wonder kid at uni of collapsing on the kitchen floor in my underwear, “stressed”, staring at the ceiling and forgetting how much work I really had to do. I also ate way too much food and memorised lines from She’s The Man (cringe), but hey, we all have bad years, right? RIGHT?

Be a lazy shit with me. Here are some helpful tips.

Take a nap
Naps solve everything. Well, not really. But they will sure as hell make procrastination a breeze. One minute you’re a white hot stress ball, next minute you’re a sleeping kitty in a deadline-free wonderland. Mmm, isn’t it lovely?

Food, food, and more food
Return to the fridge periodically to await the appearance of more food. When said food doesn’t appear, gaze longingly into the cold, and dream of your favourite food while you think about how you’re too lazy to walk/drive/ride somewhere to get it. Then sigh and return to what you were doing.

Post unnecessarily on Instagram
Ermagawd. It’s hump day. Say what? Post the shit out of your Instagram. Trawl through the millions of photos on there and you will surely find yourself a perfect image to repost. Alternatively, take selfies of you procrastinating because, selfie.

Rise of the pyjamas
There’s nothing like those days when you spend over 24hrs in your pjs. Staying in your pjs shows a holistic approach to your procrastination, embracing it fully and wholeheartedly, showing your full support for your inner procrastination and the procrastinators among us. It says: no, I’m not ready to spend the day doing anything other than watching movies, infinite Instagram and Facebook scrolling, link inception, and anything other than actual work. Better yet, don’t leave the bed at all.

Clean. Everything.
You know shit’s going down when you get to the, “I-can’t-do-anything-without-cleaning-my-room/workspace/desk/kitchen/toilet” stage. You, my friend, are the higher level procrastinator. You see the true procrastinator inside you. How can you concentrate without tidying the three weeks worth of mess around you? How can one work with grime covering one’s computer screen? How can you focus when your cutlery needs polishing? Clean anything and everything you must to avoid doing actual work. Endless hours will be wasted. Wonderful.

Shift the blame
Last but not least, avoid blame at all costs. A true procrastinator never takes the blame for not meeting deadlines, fully completing work, or turning up with absolutely nothing.
Use your mastery to skilfully craft an expert reason for your lack of result. How can you be expected to do shit when your cat needs washing, hands need moisturising, tv shows need catching up on, and chores need doing? Seriously.
Words by Jacqueline Fraser. Photo by Kiara Rose.

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