Yes, buying Christmas presents sucks. You know what else sucks? Having to receive shitty, uninspired misfires of Christmas presents and feign excitement while the gift-giver watches, desperate, starving for some skerrick of vicarious satisfaction. It really bloody sucks. Some people might call that a first-world problem– since we’re in the first world, we can just call it a problem.
I’m not one to spout criticisms without offering solutions, though. In the hope of singlehandedly saving Christmas (for myself) I’ve taken the time to carefully curate a list of things that I, and presumably anyone, would be genuinely stoked to receive this festive season– ten quality gifts to save you from blowing all your money on socks, tupperware and cans of Lynx Africa.
The perfect gift for anyone who loves to take tiny creatures of the deep with them everywhere they go, this Sea-Monkey watch is the most fun a fella can have with his wrist without getting arrested in public. The best part about this groovy gadget is that when somebody asks you for the time you can say: “I don’t have the time… but check out these sea monkeys!” The worst part is when the sea monkeys die and you can’t get them out of there and your wrist starts to smell like actual dead monkeys.
Erotic Carp Calendar 2017
I’m both a busy little bee and an absolute stunned mullet, so I’d be utterly lost if I didn’t have a good calendar to help me stay on top of those pesky deadlines. Something you can hang on the fridge is ideal. But what’s better than twelve months worth of stunning, interstellar space photographs from NASA’s Hubble telescope? Twelve months of lewd photos featuring near-naked ladies holding freshwater fish.
The annual Carponizer Carp Calendar takes two of God’s greatest gifts– beautiful women and sexy fish– and mashes them together into a taramasalata of wet scales and nip-slips. 2017’s going to be a good year.
Nicolas Cage Pillowcase
I like to think of pillows as the foundation to a good night’s sleep–and nothing says “Good night. Sleep” quite like Nicolas Cage’s immobilising gaze in this black-and-white topless photograph. Show me someone who doesn’t want to wake up every morning with their head on Nic’s soft, lightly peppered chest, and I’ll show you a liar.
Image: Awesome Stuff To Buy
Jerky Meat Gun
The jerky meat gun is a Horcrux for the soul of Donald Trump. But I want one. I want to make jerky, sausages, and jerky-wrapped sausages just by squeezing a trigger. I want to impress my friends with hilarious movie quotes like “It’s just been revoked!” or “You’re luggage!” as I squirt a fat snake of pink and white mince onto a barbeque grill. I want a holster so I can wear the jerky meat gun on my belt, and a smaller jerky meat gun that only makes weiners and twiggy sticks that I can keep strapped to my calf at all times. Help me live these dreams.
Image: This Is Why I’m Broke
LED Sequin Fedora
As we all well know, the humble fedora cops a fair bit of flack. Unless you’re Ne-Yo, there’s a fair chance that a fedora makes you look like a chode–a chode wearing a fedora, to be exact. So how can the Milhouse of headwear become the Thrillhouse of your next rave? With sequins and flashing LED lights, that’s how! Just have a look at this thing and tell me you DON’T hear the Venga bus coming round the K-hole.
‘Heelys’ Wheel Shoes
360 million years ago, prehistoric creatures walked this earth for the very first time. 17 years ago, a human by the name of Roger Adams invented Heelys, and basically told mankind they’d never have to walk anywhere again.
Why these shoes still haven’t become the standard worldwide footwear is honestly beyond me. 2017 is going to be the year of the Heely– I can feel it in my boots. (Give a pair with flames down their sides for x1000 points. Add to a hamper with LED sequin fedora for x5000 points).
Image: Gray Wolf Live
Another one of those brilliant inventions that somehow faded into obscurity: if you like being prepared for every climate but absolute dread the prospect of sweaty calves, then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be getting around in a pair of zip-off cargo pants. If dag-swag’s coming in like my dad says it is, then these customisable cargos are sure to be next year’s Adidas tracksuit. (Must come with ample pocket space to store the trouser legs once you’ve zipped off).
Picture: Sportsman’s Guide
Basically the antithesis of the aforementioned zip-offs, sauna pants let you take the steamy sauna experience with you everywhere you go. These trousers are perfect for those saucy ladies and gentlemen like myself who only like to sweat between their waist and their knees– creating a “penetrating… moist heat” in the region of your body that almost definitely needs it the least. All for just $30.
What’s more, if you’re not enjoying “the best sauna experience of your life” within the first 90 days of use, you can return the sweat-sodden sauna pants without any questions asked. What’s there to lose? (Apart from all that unwanted excess water around your midsection and thighs, of course.)
Black Latex Sun Protection Suit
For what’s gearing up to be one of the hottest Australian summers on record, I can think of no better gift than this full-body, anti-UV latex suit. Finally I’ll be able to feel perfectly safe and comfortable walking along the beach, or playing cricket in the park, without worrying about the intense UV radiation burning into my exposed flesh.
The tight, black latex may get a little clingy in the sweltering sub-tropical heat– but this is the most affordable head-to-toe equivalent of the rash vest I’ve ever been able to find. It’s a slip, slop AND slap, all in one!
I will not explain, for I need not explain. Grip-ball is the shit.
Image: Britz N’ Pieces
Feature image: Mashable