How shitty are strip clubs? Pretty shitty, most of the time. But also not usually quite as shitty as one particular strip club in Jacksonville, Florida, which convincingly shat all over the competition last Friday night when both staff and patrons came down with a swift and violent bout of diarrhoea.
Please know that the scenes you’re picturing right now, after just having read ‘strip club’ and ‘diarrhoea’ in the one sentence, are probably one hundred percent accurate.
It was just about a full house at the popular gentleman’s club on Friday, with many of the customers and staff having treated themselves to the free buffet of chicken, ribs and deep-fried shrimp that was on offer. And I could honestly wrap up the story right here, because we all know how this is going to end.
Three dancers took to the stage at around 11pm, and were performing their usual routines on separate poles when someone caught the first whiff of trouble.
“At first I picked up a bad smell; I thought maybe the guy next to me had farted,” said one witness in a very serious statement. “However, the smell got worse and I noticed that a lot of other guys were looking around to see what it was.”
What happened next sounds like a scene from a bad Adam Sandler movie. One by one the dancers were hit with irrepressible bowel movements, and started spilling their guts on the stage.
“It was absolutely disgusting,” said the witness, who sounds like a bit of a piece of shit anyway. “A number of guests immediately puked. I personally ran for the exit, I lost all interest in the show.”
The dancers, meanwhile, were forced to abandon their performance.
“They had a hard time getting off stage,” said another witness, who hung around to see how this whole shit-storm would pan out. “High heels and diarrhoea really don’t mix.”
A number of patrons were also struck with the affliction, resulting in a scrum for the toilets and all-out mayhem in the men’s room. Hired cleaners later reported that the mess was “on a whole new level.
“In my time, I’ve seen faeces in a urinal once or twice, but never in the sinks.”
Allow me to stress that if you’re eating from a strip club’s free buffet, then you are well and truly flirting with disaster. If a stripper just so happens to poo down the front of your business shirt while you’re still licking the hickory smoked rib-sauce from your fingers, consider it collateral damage. But if and when you’re forced to leg it to the men’s room just in time to evacuate your quaking bowels into the nearest sink, then you sir are receiving no less than your just desserts.
Management were forced to make a hard decision following the ordeal, and have since released a public service announcement declaring that the free buffet will be unavailable until further notice.
Source: Border Herald
Feature image: Slipped Disc