So here we are. A man was arrested for having a bat while riding a unicycle. Naked, except for shoes and a helmet, which somehow makes it worse. And we’re going to have to talk about this.
Police were called out to arrest the 52-year-old German after he was caught nude cycling and masturbating in front of tourists in the Thai resort town of Pattaya. The man – whom police are calling “Mr A” in order to preserve his immense amounts of dignity – performed his act of self-love around several streets in downtown Pattaya, before pulling over to finish himself off at around 10:30pm.
First of all, fucking good for this guy. He can ride a unicycle. That puts him in a very small and weirdly specialised minority of people. The fact that humans never evolved from riding bicycles to getting around on hands-free unicycles is, in my opinion, a failure of the species.
But this guy gets it. Look at all the things he can do with his hands: he could juggle if he wanted, or read a book, or, as we see here, have a wank while riding to the shops. He is so proficient in the delicate art of unicycle riding that he has achieved mobile masturbation. Credit where it’s due.
Secondly: fuck this guy. It’s 2017, and there’s an actual infinity of privately available wanking material at all of our greasy little fingertips. The sight of a naked 52-year-old tugging himself on a unicycle, the moonlight glinting off his silver bike helmet, is something that literally no one needs to see in this day and age. This is indecent exposure with a capital ‘I’. Sort yourself out, Mr. A.
The masturbating maestro was reportedly unable to provide any identification, and refused to reveal his name. Police are currently trying to identify and charge him.
Source and image: Pattaya One
Feature image: Asheville Mountain Unicycle
If you have a story that you'd like to share, please submit it here.