Man Tries to Make a ‘Scuba Bong’, Loses Testicles

Mankind has always endeavoured to be at the forefront of innovation. Centuries ago, Leonardo Da Vinci invented the precursor to the modern tank, Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb and Thomas Aitken crafted one of the most important inventions of all: Victoria Bitter. All these inventors left a legacy that has been studied and celebrated for many years, and now we have a new champion of human achievement to add to the list.

Michael Fitzpatrick, a 27-year-old recreational scuba diver, attempted to fill a scuba tank with weed smoke and then inhale it, but things didn’t work out too well. According to Michael’s friends, he had bought a cheap old scuba tank and his idea was to use an air compressor to feed smoke into the tank, and then use a scuba regulator to inhale.

After having a few bevvies, Michael invited all his mates round to catch a glimpse of his pièce de résistance, telling them that he had finally perfected the ‘Scuba Bong’ he’d worked so hard on. His friends decided to point out that the contraption wasn’t actually a bong at all, but “he was so enamoured with that name we thought best not to correct him.” Which is actually pretty sweet.

However, what happened next is not so sweet. Apparently, Michael reached around the scuba tank to reattach the air compressor when he stumbled and knocked the tank to the ground. The tank exploded and shards of shrapnel severed Michael’s nuts CLEAN off.

As you would expect from someone who’s just lost both nuts in a ‘Scuba Bong’ incident, Michael was rushed to the hospital, where surgeons spent 8 hours tending to his wounds. Michael’s alright now, but he won’t be able to claim for compensation as he was using the tank to chuff cones, instead of using the tank for its intended purpose of delivering air to people in Lycra who drive SUV’s.

The worst part of this story is we’ll never know if the ‘Scuba Bong’ actually worked. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to sleep when we were on the verge of the next big technological breakthrough, but I’ll happily wait for the next person to try.



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