Hatchimals were the latest walking talking toy sensation to top Christmas wish lists this festive season, and it’s easy to see why. Seriously, a whole lot of kids lost their proverbial shit over these furry little gremlins, which spawn from large eggs after being rubbed the right way and can then be trained to speak, dance and play games. They also have a tendency to mumble in their sleep, as it turns out– and Holy Jeez do these things have a mouth on them.
A string of videos have been posted online in which the Hatchimal, apparently in the midst of a pretty vocal snooze, can be heard yawning, sighing, and muttering “Fuck me” repeatedly like some kind of ravenous sexbot. Multiple parents claim to have heard the provocative phrase, and have expressed outrage at the idea of their children being sexually propositioned by a horny little Furby wannabe.
It’s understandable that this particular feature might shock consumers. For more than fifteen years now companies have been producing children’s toys that are designed to replicate the experience of having a real life pet or child– from Furbies to Baby Borns to Robosapiens– but the Hatchimals’ pretend wet dream function is breaking some seriously new ground.
Still, this isn’t the first time that animatronic kids’ toys have ruffled a few feathers. In 1999, the National Security Agency of the United States banned Furbies from entering their property after suspicions that one may have been used as a spy to infiltrate their base. The NSA identified the interloper as “being less than a foot high, covered with red and orange fur, with watchful eyes and big ears”– a creepy, somewhat paranoiac description that perfectly matches the furry little toys staff had been bringing in to work to reduce stress levels. One particular YouTuber has recently come out and expressed similar concerns, claiming that both Furbies and Hatchimals are “satanic illuminati” toys that need to be banned.
God help us all.
Feature image: FX/ The Simpsons