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Horny Millennial Caught Wanking During The Emoji Movie

In a result that’s sure to surprise absolutely no one, The Emoji Movie is proving to be a train-wreck of cinematic proportions. Critics have unanimously lambasted the computer-animated piece of dogshit – mainly for the fact that it’s a fucking emoji movie – with the film currently wearing a modest 1.5/10 rating on IMDb, and a 6% on Rotten Tomatoes.

But there was at least one person who didn’t completely hate The Emoji Movie; one single person who actually thought this story about a bunch of little yellow heads running around the city of Textopolis was kinda hot. Like, eggplant-emoji-next-to-splashing-water-emoji hot.

Let’s just out and say it: a grown man was caught wanking during a screening of The Emoji Movie. 

Image: Redbubble

An innocent New Jersey mother was watching and almost definitely not enjoying the film with her children when she noticed the lewd act taking place in the back row of the cinema. The culprit, who was sitting alone, allegedly had his hand down his pants, which were both unbuttoned and unzipped. Since there’s only one activity that necessitates that kind of exposure, the woman promptly reported the incident to the theatre’s manager, whom asked the man to leave.

The man has been described as being in his 20s or 30s – a millennial age bracket well-known for its extravagant love of emojis. If the accusations levelled at him are correct, it looks as though this public masturbator took that perverse fetishisation to the next level.

Now of course, it’s perfectly likely that this guy wasn’t actually rubbing one out to The Emoji Movie. ‘Why would you?’, is one very good reason. But in the face of universal criticism you have to take what you can get – and for a film that’s been called “disastrous”, “insidious” and “boldly bad”, this has got to be the warmest reception the producers could possibly hope to get.
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Source: News 12 New Jersey
Feature image: Live About

Categories: Breaking (news)
Gavin Butler: