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Man Convinced He’s Dying During Massive Future Music Festival Come-Down

Two days after Future Music Festival hit Brisbane’s Doomben Racecourse, a man from the city’s inner-south is “convinced he’s dying” in the bathroom of his parent’s three bedroom home. Jake Dallas, a brick layer from Spring Hill, sent a message to his girlfriend earlier this morning, stating “this might be it for me”. He blames it on a “bad batch” he purchased from a guy who assured him they were “100% pure”.

Complaining of a fluttering heart rate and dizzy spells, Jake’s near-death experience comes on the back of an “absolutely fucking massive” Future Music Festival on Saturday. While he remembers absolutely nothing from the festival, Jake’s expensive VIP ticket entitled him to vague memories of pre-drinking in a suburban backyard with a “bunch of the boys”.

Speaking with YFH correspondent Sacha Corneir, best friend Ryan Pillay says Jake was “munted beyond belief.” Pillay explained that he was “eating ’em like tic tacs” – a reference commonly used to describe excessive ecstasy consumption – and that he kept telling everyone “they weren’t working,” despite being visually “munted”.

The act of complaining about ecstasy potency is common amongst festival revelers, most of whom are heavily influenced by the drug during their state of denial. “He kept telling me to call the dealer we got the pills off and demand a refund,” explained Pillay, who said Jake was “gnawing” on his bottom lip. Pillay also made public a number of incriminating photos involving Jake, a $10 note and the inside of a Dinkum Dunnies Portaloo.

Jake’s mum – like most suburban mums – has absolutely no fucking clue about Jake’s excessive use of ecstasy during music festivals. She believes he is reluctant to leave his room because of the loud music he experienced during the festival and a resultant headache. “Music festivals are supervised events and there’s a heavy police presence,” the moronic mother of two confirmed.

Varying reports suggest Jake isn’t alone. Plenty of people are feeling overwhelmingly sorry for themselves today, evident by the huge number of people sharing their sadness on social media platform and personal thought aggregator, Facebook.

 A moment of silence for the pinger induced sadness.
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Photo by Death And Taxes.

Categories: Breaking (news)
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