If you actually stop and think about what an aeroplane is, it’s terrifying. A metal vessel flying through the air with only two people piloting it, hella luggage on board and a suspicious lack of parachutes is a weird thing to wrap your head around. However, what’s weirder is dropping your dacks and taking a shit while you hurtle through the air at a mind-boggling altitude.
It’s a stressful experience, the flush alone is enough to make a grown man weep in terror and the awkward shuffle to get past flight attendants and passengers who are extremely aware you’ve just dropped a stinking hot poo is never enjoyable.
Thankfully, former flight attendant Erika Roth is on hand to drop some delightful nuggets of information in regards to pooping on a plane. In an interview with Mel Magazine, the former hostess outlined a game plan that you can use whenever nature calls.
Apparently, as soon as the seatbelt sign goes off is the best time to hightail it to the toilets, but make sure you do it before drink service begins so you don’t have to backflip over the beverage cart. Roth recommends a time limit of 5-10 minutes, anything over that will raise suspicion and you’ll probably cop a few death stares from pissed off passengers.
However, Roth says that your best bet is to hold it in, no matter how much it kills you inside, as odor is a problem in the cramped confines of an aeroplane. “Close quarters, poor ventilation and a lack of efficient plumbing — to be blunt, the stench can fill a cabin quickly,” she explains.
If you absolutely have to go, use an old flight-attendant trick by asking an attendant for packets of coffee and then hanging them up in the loo while you go about your business. To be honest, that sounds like a lot of effort for a quick dump on a plane and while it’s important to be considerate of others, I’m not going to be that considerate.
Long story short, poop when you need to, but don’t stink up the place.
Image: Arabian Business