Fast News: September 8

This week’s news brought to you by whisky: a fight in every bottle, guaranteed.

In what couldn’t possibly have been an over exaggeration and very fucking stupid thing to say, Tony Abbott has indicated that in his mind, IS (Islamic State) are worse than the Nazis. Yes, Tony says this because the Nazis were ashamed of their crimes (not a verified survey) and IS openly revel and seek to show the world their atrocities, which makes them ‘nothing but a death cult’. WHAT WERE THE FUCKING NAZIS GOING TO DO TONY? RELEASE AN MTV CRIBS AUCHWITZ STYLE ON YOUTUBE? THEY DIDN’T HAVE THE FUCKING RESOURCES TO ADVERTISE THEIR CRIMES ON THE INTERENT, AND BESIDES, IT WASN’T A PART OF THEIR BUSINESS MODEL. UNLIKE IS, EVERYONE ALREADY KNEW WHO THE NAZIS WERE. Christ.

Meanwhile, British PM David Cameron has likened the west’s altercations with Vladimir Putin to the conduct of former British PM Neville Chamberlain with Hitler in 1938, whose absence of condemnation of the Nazis led to the invasion of Poland the following year. So who are the Nazis? IS or Putin? Perhaps ‘The Nazis’ is now just a collective noun of anyone who is a baddie, because apparently we – the general public – are too stupid to decipher for ourselves the difference between good and bad, unless they’re clearly defined by a lazy historical analogy.

Vladimir Putin/Hitler has allegedly said that Russian forces (‘The Nazis’) could conquer Kiev in two weeks if he ordered. He’s not talking about an army by the way – ‘Russian forces’ is just what he calls his biceps. To be honest, I can see why it’s been tough for world leaders to confront Putin, because holy shit imagine being stuck in a room trying to negotiate with him. If you even mentioned peace he’d probably throw you in a headlock and noogie you down past your optic nerves. PUT-IN MORE GARLIC BUTTER was an alternative joke to that news story.

The government has negotiated a deal with the Palmer United Party in order to repeal the mining tax/The Nazis, which included the freezing of increases to superannuation contributions for the next seven years. As a 22-year-old, this doesn’t really bother me, and considering the pension age is rising as well, I’ve got 50 good years to think about it. The issue is whether employers will be forced to pay workers more to compensate for the loss in super, something Tony Abbott ensures will happen. Joe Hockey has blamed the need to make this deal with PUP on Labor, a practice not foreign to the government. In fact, you can now claim any loss of income on your insurance as ‘an act of Labor’.

Somehow clouds became hackable as the celebrity nude photo leak dominated the news this week. A hacker/The Nazis/legitimate sex offender hacked into over 100 iCloud accounts, and published nude photos of various celebrities on the internet. I’m genuinely proud of how, in the most part, we reacted as a population. We were disgusted by the crime and refused to view the evidence. I’m in love with Jennifer Lawrence, obviously, and I couldn’t possibly imagine the agony I would feel if personal nude photos were even shown to my friends, let alone every person on the planet. That’s the problem with the world – there’s no mystique.

The Tasmanian government has given the OK to remove 400,000 hectares of native forests/Nazi trees after scrapping the state’s forestry peace deal. The deal itself provided payment to loggers to stop logging native forests, and the repeal of the deal will now create jobs, says the Tasmanian government. This might just be me, but I would think, some jobs become less in need by society. Like blacksmiths, or candle makers, or chimney sweepers, or federal treasurers.

Australian cricket captain Meg Lanning has been announced as the latest member of Channel 9’s cricket commentary team, becoming the first regular female commentator. I’m looking forward to hearing a female’s involvement in mindless chatter to fill in five hours of nothingness.

Comedian Joan Rivers died this week – she was 81 years old. Of course, these days when a celebrity dies, Twitter erupts with 1000 tributes and 10,000 poorly written jokes resulting in a debate about respecting the dead. The Internet is a terrible place for grace and good manner. We all know that, so stop acting shocked when some idiot says something stupid (i.e don’t leave me angry comments).

Apparently Hello Kitty/Nazi paraphernalia is a not a cat, rather a British school kid, despite having whiskers and pointy ears and distinctive feline facial features and being referred to as kitty. This revelation has spawned the saying ‘If it looks like a cat, sounds like a cat, is marketed as a cat and is also relentlessly referred to as a cat, then it’s actually a British school girl.’ You can use that defence in court now I suppose. Though upon reflection, it probably wouldn’t help you at all.

Iranian asylum seeker Hamid Kehazaei has died after his life support machine was switched off in a Brisbane hospital. He was 24. Kehazaei contracted septicaemia following a cut to his foot, which prevented his family’s wishes to donate his organs. Activists say he cut his foot whilst in Manus Island Detention Centre, and the conditions of the camp, and lack of adequate medical facilities, may have led to his condition. Immigration Minister Scott Morrison accused critics, saying they were using the case to ‘make political points’. Yes Scott, yes we are. A human being has died of a preventable disease after being placed in inhumane circumstances that are sanctioned and legitimized by our government as part of a an illegal process to deter persecuted individuals from pursuing a safe existence. You make your mind up who the Nazis are in this case, Tony. Human rights lawyers, psychologists, former detention centre workers and foreign nations are all condemning your treatment of asylum seekers. History will condemn you too. It’s time you did something about it.

One woman is killed by a current or former partner roughly every week, suicide kills someone every 40 seconds, hell – even septicemia accounts for around 1% of deaths in Australia. ‘Terrorism’ has killed 113 Australians since 1978, get a grip.

Categories: Breaking (news)
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