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Fast News: September 15

Photo via vocfm.

Our skipper Tony Abbott has raised Australia’s terror alert from medium to high, following our planned involvement in the strike against ISIS as well as intelligence government has received within the last year. Abbott insists that we should remain calm but vigilant, as we try to avoid raising the alert to ‘extra hot’. Hopefully in the coming years we get it down to ‘Lemon & Herb’. Australia has now committed 600 troops to aid the U.S to combat ISIS, but Tony Abbott has insisted that this isn’t a war. Although ‘war’ is an accurate & relevant term commonly used to describe it.

Tony Abbott has honoured his election promise to spend time in an Aboriginal community, as he visited Arnhem Land in Yirrkala. Mr. Abbott was welcomed with a song and dance, which is a stark contrast to the traditional welcome of white Australia, which is to send newcomers on a south pacific holiday for an unspecified amount of time.

iJesus Christ was reincarnated again as the iPhone 6 keynote address was held this week. This garnished a lot of media coverage, and even more snide remarks about Apple. Do you remember when the first iPhone was released in about 400BC and we were all really impressed because you could pretend it was a light saber? Cut to 2014 and we can’t stop berating it because its battery life doesn’t out last the working day of the factory employee that makes the darn thing. Or alternatively, you complain because it’s not like, or too much like, some other phone you like. So just buy the other phone and we can all be happy with our incredible ‘phones’. The technology to be Kim Possible is commercially available. Be Kim Possible.

Oscar Pistorius has been found guilty of culpable homicide, prompting quite the fuck-tonne of anger online because he has escaped a murder charge. Should he have been charged with murder? I don’t know, I was too busy coming up with distasteful gags about his legs to pay attention to the details of the case…. Something about him not having a leg to stand on – that’ll pass as humour.

The Australian Federal Police have apologised after accidentally leaving a suitcase full of plastic explosives at Sydney airport for three weeks following a sniffer dog training exercise. No wonder the terror threat has been raised.

Photo via FasterLouder.

The Brisbane Lions’ plans to parade an actual lion around the ground at home games from next year have surprisingly been shelved after a resounding outcry from fans. Call me a sadist, but I would’ve loved to hear Brian Taylor’s commentary of a distressed lion mauling its way through a Brisbane crowd. Though Brisbane’s idea won’t come to fruition, the Essendon Bombers are set to collaborate with ISIS to bring their mascot to life.

Big Brother returned this week in a bold and daring move by yet another Australian broadcaster to take a chance on an old reality show. The show is sold on the premise that it is a social experiment, but I would say after over a decade of these extensive and diverse social experiments, we pretty much know what’s going to happen now. Some attractive people won’t get on that well, and if we’re lucky, someone will perform a sexual assault. The real social experiment has shifted onto us, the audience, to see how long we can watch this shit before we cave our skulls in with the TV remote. Also, remember this (below)? TERROR ALERT: RADICAL.

Kanye West continued being a bit of a dick after demanding everyone at his Sydney concert stand up, and had security confirm that those still sitting were physically incapable of doing so. STAND YOU HEETHENS! Sure, he makes some good music, but the man is cat’s anus. I wouldn’t invite him to a dinner party in fear of him launching into a 15 minute rant about how the steak was undercooked and how my interior designing displeases him. WE MUSTN’T DISPLEASE KANYE, GLORY BE TO KANYE.

And finally, Scotland will decide this week whether it will become independent in a vote that threatens to split the population down the middle just like Jay-Z & Beyoncé’s divorce would. Society would fucking collapse. I’m in Scotland at the moment covering the referendum for YFH*, and the most surprising thing I’ve learned is that Robin Thicke is actually half Scottish** and therefore can vote, but he’s still unsure about the implications’ of what a NO vote would mean.

*Not really, I just live in Scotland. Even your news has been outsourced.
**Not really either.

Categories: Breaking (news)
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