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Fast News: October 20th

DesignCrowd/karixen.

LEAKED PHOTOS OF CLICKBAIT HAVE BEEN RELEASED AS BLAKE GARVEY IS SEEN ON A DATE WITH IVY BLUE ALSO EBOLA INFECTED ISIS BURQAS ARE COMING TO KILL YOU. I think that should be enough tags to draw a few readers in.

The 2014 Man Booker prize for fiction was rewarded to Australian Richard Flanagan for his novel ‘The Narrow Road To The Deep North’. The 2015 prize has already got a hot favourite, with the script writers for this series of The Bachelor tipped to take it out for outstanding contributions to fiction.

Russia has responded to our rock ‘em sock ‘em PM’s shirt fronting Putin comments, with a resounding ‘go on, I fucking dare you’. Tony Abbott’s promise to confront Putin over the downing of fight MH17 was made using the frank sporting term, because Australians don’t understand geo politics unless described using sporting analogies. It’s not condescending, it’s just like getting to use the bumpers and the ramp while ten pin bowling.

Liberal senator Mathias Cormann has defended his comments referring to Bill Shorten as an ‘economic girly man’, citing that the connotations of the words ‘girly’ and ‘girls’ are very different and his comments weren’t misogynistic. I suppose it’s all really down to how you define a girl, Mathias.


Photo via SMH.

Joe Hockey ridiculed the idea that Australia is one of the highest emitters of greenhouse gas in the OECD, when handed the fact that Australia is indeed the highest emitter per capita in the OECD. Meanwhile, our PM said that ‘coal is good for humanity’ and that the opening of a new coal mine was ‘a great day for the world’.

Meanwhile, the Labor party have done fuck all, in a move that corresponds with their party policy, hence why I never get to write things about them. It’s almost as if you don’t make the news unless you say ridiculous things like ‘coal is good for humanity’ or ‘poor people don’t drive as much’ or ‘gay marriage will lead to bestiality’ or ‘we should ban the burqa’ or ‘shit happens’ or ‘……’ or ‘Jesus knew that there was a place for everything and it is not necessarily everyone’s place to come to Australia’ or ‘virginity is the greatest gift you can give’ or ‘I’ll shirtfront Putin’ or ‘They must have heaps of cash and they’ve got to have a package between their leg’… they don’t even need to speak, the perfect man’ or even ‘My name is Cory Bernadi’.

Australia’s most read ‘controversial-ist’ Andrew Bolt attacked someone for being too leftist, leading an article with the sub heading: ‘Ebola is ghastly enough. But must we also suffer the moral posturing of politicians such as Tanya Plibersek?’ I don’t know Andrew, but that was a great segue into hearing yours.

Lindsay ‘The Doctor’ McDougall is “Fucking off” from Triple J, after a successful stint as the third most popular Doctor on Triple J after Doctor Karl and also Dr Dre, whenever his tracks are played. And possibly also after Dr Patel (Dr Death) whenever he’s mentioned in the news bulletin every now and then.

The Harry Potter franchise has received another horcrux, with the announcement of three new films to be adapted from the HP spin-off ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them’. With the films reportedly coming out biannually as of 2016, we can all only hope that by 2020 Daniel Radcliffe hasn’t gone down the Macaulay Culkin path of ageing. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE TO FIND YOUR FANTASTIC BEAST DANIEL: GOOGLE SEARCH DANIEL RADCLIFFE HORSE.

It has been reported that ASIO may have accidentally spied on itself, apparently intercepting calls from one of its own regional offices. This revelation has only strengthened my suspicion that somewhere, out there, there is a drug cartel entirely populated by undercover cops, but none of them are aware of it. OPEN YOUR MIND.

And in extremely local news, I saw a man with a vertical double top knot, in a fashion statement that defied physics, reason and practicality.

Apple released its new iPad this week, and a range of new wanky slogans to go with it. Here are just a few.

‘Change is in the Air’. Just like security breaches are in the clouds.

‘Not just a thinner display. A better display.’ OH SO THINNER IS BETTER? SIZEISTS.

‘Massive power. In its most minimal form.’ Though less minimal than the iPhone.

‘Security based on a one-of-a-kind design: your fingerprint.’ Unlike your personality.

‘Two amazing cameras. Cleverly disguised as an iPad.’ Marketing. Cleverly disguised as bullshit.

‘Faster Wireless. Good things come to those who don’t wait.’ How long until the Apple Watch again?

‘Apps designed for iPad. And everything you want to do with it.’ Write. Longer. Sentences. Also PornHub.

And that was the week in news.

Categories: Breaking (news)
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