Fast News: November 3

Clive Palmer, the man who is destined to be played by Shane Jacobson in a Channel 9 biopic, has said that the government’s direct action plan won’t work, but voted for it because ‘it’s better than nothing’. A void of nothingness he helped create by voting to abolish the Carbon Tax – which, as we all know, was worse than Ebola in a burqa.

Barack Obama has tried to chill everyone out about Ebola by hugging Dallas nurse Nina Pham, after she had recently been cured of the virus. LOOK OUT MR. PRESIDENT SHE’S GOT A HUG! No Australian care workers have reportedly caught the virus, mainly because nobody knows who the fuck they are.

Meanwhile, British Prime Minister David Cameron also got up close and personal with a member of the public, after being violently jogged into on the street in Leeds. LOOK OUT MR. PRIME MINISTER HE’S GOT A TOWEL! Thankfully, Tony Abbott hasn’t come into contact with a member of the public this week, having not been in touch with any member of public since before the election.

The Australian Academy of Science (a really shit Super-Hero Squad) have fly-kicked the government’s Reef 2050 long-term sustainability plan for ‘not fucking doing its fucking job! Fuck!’ (Citation needed). The criticism mostly sits with the omission of any action to curb greenhouse gases. Though Greg Hunt has pledged to increase the amount of divers allowed to lethally inject the starfish that are eating the coral. ‘Starfish Executioner’ wins this week’s prize for most tedious job to explain at a dinner party.

Clown violence is on the rise in France, as a trend to dress up as the flappy-shoed vigilantes and wreak havoc has emerged. This is the worst case of performance art crime since the famous mime robberies of 1953, that cost French banks over 1 Million imaginary Euros. Or, every magician that you have ever seen.

The YouTube clip ’10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman’ has gone viral this week, with the video showing just how many instances of unwanted attention occur in one day. Men wolf whistled, cat called – one guy even filmed her for ten whole hours. Predictably, the woman in the video received rape threats online, because what is the Internet but an amalgamation of cats, porn and unyielding hate.

Scott Morrison has ordered a halt on humanitarian visas for refugees from Ebola stricken nations, and his department have refused to detail the reasons why, in the interests of national security. This, of course, is a classic move by Mr. Morrison, who is historically more tight-lipped than even the asylum seekers who literally sewed their lips together protesting against him.

Halloween happened this week, resulting in several thousand superheroes, minions and Elsas’ copulating, in an act of cross-world breeding that infuriated and/or aroused nerds worldwide.

In a another step forward into the future for the Catholic Church, everyone’s favourite super hero The Pope announced this week that he believes in evolution and The Big Bang Theory. THAT WAS OVER 18 BILLION YEARS AGO POPE – GET WITH THE TIMES. Pope Francis has built a reputation for being a cool Pope, and has already been tipped to host The Golden Globes next year.

Apple’s CEO Tim Cook has said he is ‘proud to be gay’ in an article for Bloomsberg. Android users have criticised Cook, saying ‘the technology to be gay has been available for years’. The move surprised Apple fans, who weren’t expecting anything from Apple to come out until next year.

A Perth man who climbed atop an upturned whale carcass as sharks were feeding on it, has admitted that it was a stupid idea. The whole incident is of course reminiscent of that famous New Zealand film about a whale – Beached Az. “That whale is difinitely did by now”. Channel 9 have said to have bought the rights to the story, and are making it into a new series – ‘Underbelly: Whale’.

The Melbourne Cup takes place tomorrow. The race that stops a nation again promises to determine the collective attention span of the Australian public by showcasing a sport they otherwise couldn’t give a shit about. A sport that is only once a year deemed interesting enough to watch, and even then its existence relies completely on problem gambling, excessive drinking, funny hats and shoehorning its way into cultural significance by repeatedly telling us how significant it is even though it’s tomorrow and you know fuck all about who’s racing. And they say I’m no fun at parties.

Categories: Breaking (news)
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