Fast News: November 18

The party event of the year took place this weekend, as the G20 descended on Bris-Vegas. Brisbane proved to be the ideal location for the meeting of global leaders, because if it was wiped out by a terrorist attack, the rest of Australia would barely notice/mind. Designated party planner Tony Abbott left climate change off the agenda, though eventually included it (if time permitted) after calls to discuss the issue. After Obama went ahead and made it priority number 1, Tony Abbott countered the move by performing an ode to coal. Basically, Tony Abbott opened a pack of Arnott’s Selection in preparation for his birthday party, setting aside the Monte Carlos to eat last if anyone was still peckish at the end.

Having seen Tony’s plan on the party invite (written in Kids Regular with a Clip Art border), all the guests agreed that they pretty much only planned on eating Monte Carlos because that’s what any sane person would do. Tony didn’t like this, and tried to get them all to eat Orange Slices instead, even though they taste like bullshit AND THEY’RE THE WORST ONES TONY AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT, WHY ARE THEY EVEN IN THE PACK? And that’s the G20 explained.

Other highlights included everyone getting a koala in their lolly bag, Abbott obliviously ignoring the existence of Australia’s indigenous population, hundreds of people burying their heads in the sand of Bondi as part of some mass suicide to appease the God of Climate, and Russia deploying warships at us because their cock is bigger than ours.

An inquiry into World Cup bidding has found Australia guilty of trying to bribe FIFA officials into voting for Australia to host the 2022 football tournament, whilst failing to mention the details of the successful bids of those jerks that beat us – Qatar and Russia. Europe has threatened to leave FIFA unless they release the full report, though FIFA aren’t swayed by acts of such bullishness. Maybe they should try bribing them.

Science kicked a goal this week as it bloody well landed a spacecraft on a comet. Having landed and discovered some sciencey things that are probably helpful because of reasons, the craft went into hibernation mode because the boffins forgot to pack a charger. That’s the last time they update their iOS software.

In equally mesmerising news, science managed to successfully land a wine glass on the surface of Kim Kardashian’s ass. The mission was launched in conjunction with a nude photo-shoot that intended to break the internet, though really only managed to break several teenage boys’ frenulums after wanking the absolute fucking cover off it (I’m assuming). The nude photo-shoot didn’t garnish nearly as much attention as the nude photo hack. Perhaps the public aren’t all that interested in consent.

Future Prime Minister Karl Stefanovic has revealed he wore the same suit for a whole year to highlight sexism in the wake of constant critique & criticism of co-host Lisa Wilkinson’s wardrobe. The nobility of the stunt is even more impressive if you take into account the amount of times Karl would’ve shat himself into oblivion in that suit after hitting the drink like an Aussie Battla. God save Stefanovic.

Redfoo – AKA how Tim Burton would draw a clown – made headlines this week by predictably doing something misogynistic involving music. The release of the song and accompanying film clip ‘Literally, I Can’t’, which hopefully my editor didn’t link below, fucked off a lot of punters by being a tawdry piece of misogynistic, soul destroying club fodder that wouldn’t even make it onto a So Fresh compilation. I for one think we probably should’ve just given up on making music after DJ Jazzy Jeff & Fresh Prince’s ‘Boom! Shake The Room’. We’re never topping that belter.

The 30th anniversary of Band Aid was marked with a new recording of the song ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’ to raise money to fight Ebola. The song, though warmhearted and for a good cause, is never going to top DJ Jazzy Jeff & Fresh Prince’s ‘Boom! Shake The Room’. WHEN WILL YOU ALL LEARN? The rhyme is a football y’all and I went and threw it.

Categories: Breaking (news)
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