Fast News: April 7

This is the weekly space for people who like their news like Japan likes their Whales; slaughtered. We do to news what Tinder does to human decency.

Western Australian voters hit the polls again, as democracy turns itself off and off again in an attempt to get it working again. Prime Minister Tony Abbott (that hurts more than it should to write) responded to voters turning away from the Liberals by saying they weren’t turning from the Liberals, before segueing into another attack on the Carbon Tax. Yet the whole course of this election has been a Labor slugfest, as the Liberals, the Greens and even Labor attacked Labor.  No party has received such a whipping since Mum made a devastating booking error for the entertainment at my 12th Birthday.

Another apparent breakthrough in the search for flight MH370 has been made as pulses have been picked up that could belong to the flight’s black-box recorder. Australian vessels therefore suspect the lost vessel is somewhere in the Indian Ocean, whilst Japanese vessels have suggested the plane is rather in the Antarctic Ocean, inside of several hundred whales.

A new study suggests that zebras developed stripes as an evolutionary method of deterring biting flies. The heavy contrast of the zebra’s skin apparently deters the flies that are responsible for spreading disease. Or something like that. In other recent scientific studies, it was found that bees don’t actually communicate via dance, but rather WhatsApp like the bloody rest of us. And all grasshoppers are anti-Semites (subject to clarification).

Speaking of dubious scientific research, the UN’s International Court of Justice has ordered Japan to cease whaling in the Antarctic. Japan has always stated that the whaling undertaken was purely for scientific research – research like ‘what do whales taste like?’

Fantasy epic Game of Thrones returns to our screens this week, as fans have waited almost a year to experience another nerd-gasm. While another fantasy epic ‘Noah’ hit the big screens, with ultra-religious hipsters hoping the film lives up to the book.

The definitely-not-squeezed-for-every-last-drop-of-its-worth ‘How I Met Your Mother’ ended after 9 years. Some fans were surprised and disappointed by the final episode, but a quick re-assessment of their expectations as to how a show called ‘How I met Your Mother’ about a man telling his kids about how he met their mother that culminated in him telling them how he met their mother did pretty fucking well to surprise anyone.

It was a tale of when Queeny met Popey in as a meeting of the most irrelevant and perplexingly powerful people took place in Italy. It wasn’t reported who won the rap battle, but there was almost definitely a rap battle, because why else would they possibly meet.

Perennial shit-stirrer Andrew Bolt published his latest article for the Herald Sun, still not satisfied with his years of picking on Aboriginal people, has taken issue with Australian of the year Adam Goodes, as well as welfare programs available only to Aboriginal and Torres Straight Islanders, labeling them as racist. The man is so hell-bent against Aborigines, it’s almost as if he was the victim of some terrible atrocity long ago in his past.

And finally in absolutely abhorrent and heaps un-dinkum news, Australia Post has raised the cost of stamps from 60 cents to a whopping 70 cents. This is Abbott’s Australia people, and I for one won’t fucking stand for such atrocities. AXE THE TAX! AXE THE TAX!

And that was the week in sort of news.

Categories: Breaking (news)
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