In Behind Enemy Lines, the 2001 masterpiece of cinematic jingoism starring Owen Wilson, Wilson inadvertently summed up the entrenched cultural attitude our society has toward violence by saying “Everybody thinks they’re gonna get a chance to punch some Nazi in the face in Normandy, but those days are over. They’re long gone.”
Well Mr Wilson, prepare to eat your words and lick the punctuation off your fingers like it’s chicken salt, because this Easter Saturday, April 4 2015AD, at the Melbourne arm of the much-discussed ‘Reclaim Australia’ rallies, some lucky Melbournians were given the amazing opportunity to punch ACTUAL NAZIS.
For those of you who were to busy kicking on from Goog Friday with a few froffdogs and a gram of Bogan Dust’, on Easter Saturday, ‘Reclaim Australia’ – a determined, guerrilla resistance group comprising of bigots, islamaphobes and puzzled-looking elderly white folk who probably believed Jaquie Lambie when she said that The Nation of Islam is a geographic place and thought the rally would have free finger sandwiches – gathered in Melbourne’s Federation Square to exercise their constitutional right* to be publicly obnoxious (free speech) and bravely reclaim the proud and free Australia of yesteryear from the onslaught of tyrannical muslim invaders comprising 2% of the total national population. You know, the people who have enslaved us all with their ‘Sharia Law, Halal tax and islamisation’.
Standing in opposition to these brave liberators were a ragtag coalition of ‘muslim sympathisers’ whose warcry was ‘No Room For Racism’. This group was comprised of members of trade unions, community groups and leftie organisations like The Socialist Alliance who had presumedly taken the day off from screaming “homophobe!!” at anyone who declined to write down their full name, home address and bank details on a hyperbolic petition, to come scream ‘fuck off!’ through a megaphone and burn the six-star spangled banner because that definitely communicates a clear and powerful message about something.
Anyway, the point is that the opposing parties shouted at each other a whole lot, police officers guilty of indiscriminately standing around looking bored were pelted with horse-shit (lol) and the whole thing descended into mild violence including the screaming of buzzwords hinting at barely understood ideological concepts. There was also lots of pushing and pulling, fighting over flags like ageing bridesmaids over a wedding bouquet, and, most importantly, some neo-nazi blokes with swastikas tattooed on their heads got punched!
Apparently the Reclaim Australia organisers have been eager to distance themselves from the groups of terrifying, bikie-skinhead hybrids, because while RA may be a large group of frightened bogans banding together for the fundamentally xenophobic purpose of publicly expressing their dislike of a particular demographic based entirely on skin colour and the beliefs they assume it signifies, they’re not bloody racists!
As one of the previously mentioned scared, confused elderly white people so eloquently screamed ‘How can (they) be racist in (their) own country?’** So don’t lump them in with those loony Hitler fetishists, because demonising a group of reasonable, peaceful people simply because they bear some resemblance in appearance to a group of extremists you are afraid of is ignorant, inaccurate and grossly unjust… Wait, what?… Never mind!
Despite not being invited, The Nazis surprised nobody by turning up anyway (as they have been historically fond of doing. Amirite Poland?!) They were seen front and centre in much of the event’s photo coverage, because every weekend editor knows that nazis, like tits, are guaranteed to get hits if you plaster them all over social media under headlines containing the editorial hero combo: ‘racism’ and ‘violence’.
Sources indicate that in the fracas at least one or maybe two nazis definitely suffered a glancing blow by some unidentified vegans in fisherman’s pants, who due to their unidentification, were unavailable to comment on how it feels to have ticked off a bucket list item on par with ‘win golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory’.
So, congratulations to those lucky few who managed to meld the cultural attitude that people of substance must be prepared to physically fight anyone they don’t like for even the tiniest offence, with the contradictory assertion that violence in service of anything less than the good of all humanity is abhorrent. Then, of course, reconcile those two conflicting beliefs into the one glorious and synergic act of punching a person symbolising the very worst humanity has to offer, and in doing so, achieving a feat of greatness that inspires us all.
Unlike literally everyone else at that bullshit rally who accomplished absolutely fuck all.
Written by Skinny Longlegs.
*The Constitution of The Commonwealth of Australia does not, at any point even mention free speech, never mind assert that all Australians must be allowed to spout whatever asinine bullshit pops into their heads without fear of legal repercussions. We do have a legislative right in accordance with being a signatory to the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights (ICCPR), however the constitution is far more concerned with things like the freedom of religion; a constitutional right outlined in Section 116 that ensures every Australian has the freedom to worship whatever flying space narwhal they please, as well as expressly forbidding any laws that force a particular religious observance. Making the irony here a bit of a twofer; firstly because by discriminating against people using religion as the line in the sand the Reclaimists are being constitutionally unAustralian as outlined by the very document they so quickly wrap themselves in. And secondly because if they had actually read The big Connie before using it as a ‘haters gon hate’ shield they would have discovered that the only way sharia law could, hypothetically, be instated in Australia is through a referendum requiring the full, unreserved support of both parliament and the senate, as well as requiring a majority vote from the entire populace, which has successfully been accomplished EIGHT times in 100 years because as a people Australians are way too lazy to bother changing anything more complicated than the oil in their flacon. So essentially, because the constitution is doing such a bang-up job of protecting our liberties and ability to pass freely between the states, the Reclaim mob could have stayed in bed on Saturday morning and still made exactly the same amount of progress in stopping The nation of Islam from taking over our country and stoning our women which is none because it is never going to fucking happen.
**A logic so bulletproof one can only assume it was divine providence that prevented anybody at the Nuremberg trials from using it as a defence, otherwise we’d be balls deep in scott-free nazi veterans and war-criminals skipping around and enjoying how executed they didn’t get; a world simply too horrid to imagine.