Published by Sammy Attwood on May 13, 2013
The Friendzone is a mythical land, spawned from the minds of men who were born lacking the testicular mass needed to take a woman to bed. It’s a sad and lonely world: awkward pre-cum stains the sheets, soggy Kleenex tissues scatter the bedside tables and solitary early-morning cab rides become a regularity. The musty odour of year-old porn magazines permeates dimly-lit rooms as weary men idly mull over their involuntary pledge to long-term celibacy. The population of planet Friendzone often band together and share stories of lost female friends, lonesome nights and that time they almost hit a homer circa 2006. But this very land – a land of desolation and deprivation – is built upon a foundation of lies. Its pillars are stacked atop a completely fabricated premise, one designed to make the male race feel better about the times they swing and miss, all by blaming the deceiving antichrist known as women.
The foundation of this fucked-up zone is that any unrequited love felt by men means women have been conniving and manipulative. The ethos behind it implies that a female is doing wrong by maintaining a platonic friendship rather than a sexual one, especially if the male has done the unthinkable deed of actually being nice to her. So abhorrent is this natural disaster that the victim (played by a man who’s probably a virgin) always needs to share his story with the world; he needs to tell people far and wide just how sacrilegious this despicable female is. The telling of a Friendzone tale almost always includes a point in which the soppy excuse of a human claims that he was “led on” by the female. He’ll then further justify his role as a victim by reiterating how nice he was to her for the duration of their friendship. What this idiot doesn’t understand is that girls aren’t living, breathing poker machines that you keep putting happiness tokens into until sex falls out.
I have no idea how men contorted the game of love into a position where they can garner sympathy for being unsuccessful in receiving sex. The Friendzone is a place where blatant discrimination makes it easy for males to employ guilt on the female gender all because they made an intimate decision to refuse sexual consent. Sitting atop a discriminating pedestal built with the bricks of insensitivity and mortar of arrogance, these men look down their noses at a supposedly inferior sex. And the sad fact for women is that the refusal of little Stevie’s semen entrée can turn a mutually respectful friendship into a war-torn wasteland. It’s inherently sexist and inherently unfair to excommunicate girls for shunning sexual advancements, especially when the decision is no one’s but their own. It’s a futile attempt by males to create a culture so heavily biased toward blokes that the women of the world feel obliged to fuck them. I’m a man’s man, and even I’m embarrassed by shit like this.
So with that, it’s important to point out that not all guys live within this sorrowful shell of shitness. Some men remain open to the idea that, should a female not want their penis inside her vagina, it might have something to do with his own traits and genetics rather than hers. The general dude demographic is slowly adapting to this quirky and farfetched piece of logic, but plenty still refuse such outlandish claims. A hefty portion of the male populace continue to weep about that fucked-up thing called the Friendzone. So, what kind of modern day man finds solace under this misogynistic tarpaulin of lies? ‘Nice’ guys, apparently.
The fucking nice guy. You know, the sorry-for-himself bro who says things like, “Nice guys finish last.” He’ll sit around and explain, in a bitter and resentful tone, that his penchant for philanthropy makes women view him as undateable. More often than not, he’s the kind of egotistical dickhead who tells girls with boyfriends how well he’d treat them should they give him a chance. His air of arrogance penetrates everything except the lady garden of the female he’s madly in love with, and he truly believes he’s an undeserving victim of societal norms. According to these unlovable scholars, the ‘nice’ guys of the world are tossed into a lockable barrel of one-way love. The key is thrown into the ocean’s depths, and these modern martyrs are forced to jerk each other off – all because their unbelievable levels of kindness somehow make women unattainable. The she-devils of the world then go and have sex with men who treat them like absolute shit, because that’s what every women who has ever walked the face of the earth has done. Because all women are the same.
The whole fiasco is entirely the nice guy’s fault. By baking her poppyseed muffins and bringing her chai lattés in bed after movie-night sleepovers, he’s plunged himself into a box he can’t escape. He’s become a completely non-sexual entity to her – like her brother, or a lamp – yet he refuses to admit his faults. As the Friendzone mentality allows him to shun accountability and put all blame on the woman, he continues to share the tale that criminalises the female. He announces the tragedy to his friends before spending every ounce of spare time whining about how she wouldn’t put her mouth around his unused, rotting penis. Disgruntled at the fact he “wasted” six months being polite to his former friend, he begins to force his mates to resent a girl who’s done absolutely nothing wrong. He goes to sleep each night positive his undeviating kindness deserved a dive in his girly friend’s pool, convinced not being a jerk is the sole requirement for entry. At the risk of sounding harsh, the nice guy is Beta as fuck, and it’s his own damn fault.
So, before all you soft-serve ‘nice’ guys lament your place in the fictional penalty box of dating, perhaps it’s time to acknowledge you’re solely responsible for putting yourself in there. It’s time to understand that this systemic problem is a monster of your own creation, and only you can fix it. So pull some testosterone out of wherever the hell all that ‘kindness’ is coming from and find yourself a girl to take home to Mum. In the meantime, quit using the term Friendzone: it’s fucking stupid. Don’t be part of a mentality that gives guys a chance to vilify women who say no, especially when society already vilifies ‘sluts’ who say yes.