Ten Ways To Tell Your Band Sucks

Photo by Cschoen22

1. You describe your sound as ‘rock’.
“Yeah we’re kind of going for a White Stripes meets Queens of the Stone Age vibe. Just real rockin’ riffs and face-melting solos. We all wear leather jackets and Tom plays a Flying-V. It’s sick man. You should come to our next show at some shitty pub out in Annerley on a Tuesday night.” Not that there’s anything wrong with rock music, but the odds are that you’re not anywhere near as good as Jet, Wolfmother, Airbourne or Kingswood, and everybody has already dismissed them. Because, believe it or not, you’re not doing anything even remotely close to groundbreaking or new, and you’re not doing it anywhere near as well as your predecessors. Listen to a Sigur Ros album and realise that there’s a lot more to music than wearing white jeans and yelling “YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!”

2. You’re influenced by Muse.
Not even Muse can pull off sounding like Muse anymore. Give up.

3. You tell everyone about your band.
Nobody cares that you’re in a band. Everyone knows somebody in a band. Your band is not special. Of course you think your songs are brilliant. You’re a special little flower poised on the brink of success and all you need is for some dude you met at Ric’s Bar to know how cool your band is. Play him a demo from your phone right then and there. Who cares about fidelity? This is your big break. See you at the top, bro.

4. Nobody comes to your shows.
But you made a Facebook event. Weird.

5. At least one member of your band is wearing shorts/thongs in your press photo.
Your mum took the photo, didn’t she? She’s so proud of you boys.

6. You’re waiting for your big break.
“So, I put our songs up on Soundcloud and posted them on my wall. They’re out there now. All we need to do is wait until the A&R guy from Warner stumbles across them and we’re off on our first national tour. He’s gonna realise that, despite us having no consistent branding, no image, no originality and extremely banal songs, we’re the next big thing. Better keep checking your mailbox incase that record deal comes through. Any day now”

7. Your bassist has more than 4 strings.
My bike has more than two wheels. Does that make me cool?

8. You prematurely released an album.
Nobody’s heard of you. Nobody’s begging for an album. Nobody’s even begging for a single. But that doesn’t mean that your debut LP “Songs in the key of Love” isn’t going to fly off the shelves. I can’t think of anything better than wasting 45 minutes listening to some dudes from the ‘burbs that I’ve never heard of harp on about the trials and tribulations of life (with some sick riffage for good measure). So you might as well save up your paychecks from your retail job at JB Hi-Fi, because this gem ain’t gonna release itself.

9. You think this doesn’t apply to your band.
It does.

10. You’re called The Delta Riggs.
See number 1.

Written by Mitch Exton.

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