I Put A Sea Sponge In My Vagina

Photo by My December

The urge for sex can be all-consuming; primal even. But when it comes to girls on their period, most guys will struggle to even get a blowjob. But not Anna.* She wasn’t about to let a little thing like menstruation get in the way of getting jiggy with it on Valentine’s Day, so inserted a sea sponge into her vagina to stem the flow. And she didn’t even have a boyfriend. This is her story.

So Anna, set the scene for me.
It was Valentine’s day. I’d gotten a Brazilian wax especially, and I woke up with my period, because I’d forgotten to take the pill. So I thought, Well, how am I going to stop this? I know some of my friends have sex with tampons in, but I just thought Ew, I’d never do that. So I Googled everything I could. I drank some vinegar; it did nothing. So I Googled again, and something about a sea sponge came up. It said that [to a boy] it would just feel like a vagina when it was inside [a girl], because it was all warm and squishy like the rest of your body.

So what did you do?
Originally I went to the chemist and bought a makeup sponge, but when I got home I realised it was the wrong one, so had to go back and buy an actual sea sponge – like one of those ones on Finding Nemo. Then I cut a piece about… maybe as big as 50 cent piece. And I poured boiling water on it to disinfect it, squeezed the water out, then shoved it in my vagina. I was like, I’ll be able to get it out, surely! I don’t have THAT big a vagina! I went out to meet someone for drinks. I can’t remember who it was… it might have been this American boy. He was a philosopher. Or Robert. Or James. Who did I have sex with? I don’t remember… I was really drunk. Whoever it was, I brought him back to mine.

And how was the sex?!
The sex was fine, and it was normal. No leakage! I was just really worried that he would poke the sponge, and it would come out. But it didn’t! It actually worked, and I was so excited. I thought, I can do this all the time! But then I started to think, how am I going to get this out?

How DID you get it out?
I woke up the next morning and got in the shower to try and get it out. I’ve never really stuck my fingers up my vagina before, so I didn’t know what to feel for. I couldn’t tell what was my vagina and what was the sponge. Then I started to get really stressed, and told [my roommate] that it must have gone up into my uterus. She told me it was impossible, but I just couldn’t figure out where it was. So I lubed my fingersup and tried again, but no luck. Then I tried a spoon. I tried a spoon for ages. But it didn’t work. So I was like, “Maybe I can give birth to it?”

I sat on the toilet and pushed. For a whole hour. It didn’t move down at all; it didn’t work. And then I figured it might just come out itself, so I left it for a few hours. It was starting to feel really comfortable though, because it was obviously swelling up and getting bigger. I contemplated asking my roommate to have a go, but figured it was pushing the boundaries of our friendship a bit too far, so I rang a doctor that afternoon. A female doctor!

How did you break the news to her?
I walked in and said, “I have a really sore back… and I have a sponge in my vagina.” I explained that it had been Valentine’s Day and I had a boyfriend who didn’t live in Sydney. She bought it. “He would have been so cut if I hadn’t had sex with him,” I implored. “He flew down for it especially.” She told me I’d be surprised by the number of girls who’d done the same thing. Then she pretty much had to give me a pap smear – forceps and everything. “It’s really far up there!” she exclaimed. “Do you want to have a look at it?” I declined. I was so disgusted with myself and felt like I’d just had a baby, because there was so much pressure. Then the doctor turned to me and said, “You can’t have sex for seven days.” I laughed. “My boyfriend’s going to be really happy now!”

Would you recommend this practice to any other exceptionally horny gals out there?
Well, it did work! But I probably wouldn’t do it again, unless I tied a bit of tooth floss to the sponge so I could pull it out! Because then [the guy] wouldn’t even be able to feel it or tell… hmm!

* Name has been changed for obvious reasons.

______
Written by Gemma Clarke, the ex-Editor-In-Chief of Your Friend’s House. She currently runs an insanely cool website called Global Hobo. You can view her other articles here.

Labels: , , , , , , ,

Ferdinando says:

hhahaha ‘i have a really sore back ……….and a sponge in my vagina’

angus says:

HAHAHAHA

that horny but never even stuck your fingers up your own vag? WTF

iv herd a story like this before.. but it defiantly wasn’t a sea sponge, are you crazy!

Sammy says:

dats some messed up shit